▶ Your Answer : It is true that the invention of television led people to enjoy the production of many entertainment programs and created jobs which influenced the daily lives of people living in the modern world. However, I believe that the invention of the book is one of the most important incidents in the human history and far outweighs the importance of the television. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, book has been the main element of several important historical events. For instance, Protestant would not have been successful without the power of books. (이를 뒷받침하는 이유 및 주제와의 관련성 부족) Also, the emperor of the Jin dynasty in China burnt all the books in the country as he knew the importance of books. (해당 진나라의 예시와 주제에 대한 본인의 입장과의 연관성 없음) Moreover, in the second World War, the leader of the National Socialist Party, Adolf Hitler, followed the example of emperor Jin and burnt the books to control the citizens of Germany. The examples also show the importance of books as it can both be used to inform citizens as well as manipulate them. (Example을 먼저 제시하고 argument를 작성하는 것 보다 해당 본문 주제에 대한 본인 입장/이유를 먼저 서술한 뒤 이에 해당하는 예시 1개를 상세히 서술하는 것이 좋습니다.) It is true that other sources of information including television can be used for the same role, but the total impact on the society of these sources is much less than that of books due to their short history. (책의 역사가 더 길기 때문에 중요하기 보단 긴 역사에서 책이 끼친 영향력이 훨씬 크기 때문임을 강조해주세요)
Another reason that the impact of books on humans is greater than that of television is that it can be and have been preserved for long for future generations. (앞의 내용과 다소 겹치는 부분입니다 - 책이 오랜시간 영향력을 끼칠 수 있다는 점에서) This ability of book has allowed modern people to know about the past as well as allowing people to use and improve the ideas which have passed down from generation to generation in order to produce new technologies. This have in turn improved the living conditions of people. + 이에 해당하는 예시가 없습니다. ==> 오랜 시간 영향력을 끼쳤다는 부분보다 적혀 있는 것을 계승하며 지식의 전수 경로로 오랜 기간 사용되었음을 강조해주세요.
Due to these two reasons, I believe that books have influenced the society more than televisions. (결론에서 각 paragraph에서 사용되었던 본인의 points를 요약한 뒤 ~그러므로 나는 ~에 동의한다/~이 좋다 고 작성하는 것이 좋습니다.)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 각 reason이 분명하게 드러날 수 있도록 내용을 재구성해주세요. example은 각 이유당 1~max 2개 정도로 작성하는 것이 좋습니다. |