▶ Your Answer :
Parents encourage their children to make their room tidy in a good manner, since it is good for their success. However, there are no plausible reason accounting this suggestion. Although cleaning one's room could be beneficial to their children to have a sense of responsibility on their room, but it does not draw a good conclusion that the one might have greater success. Thus I disagree with the statement.
First of all, the student with messier room tend to have much more creativeness. Creativity is driven from unexpected ideas, and these are more likely to be generated under the conditions which provoke people to have such feelings. For example, many artists through out the history have found his or her motivations from a random setting of their room or tables. Especially still life drawing is the essence showing how messiness could be integrated into a form of arts. Not only the certain type of drawing evidence the value of untidiness, but when you pay more attention on masterpieces, you would figure out there are bunch of random messy depictions appears in the piece. People do not feel interested in a plain settings since they are dull and tedious. Unorganized surrounding, in contrary, is much more human giving comforts enough to facilitates various sort of creative thinking.
Second, there is no relationship between any area of success and tidiness of the person. It is true that cleanness could indicate that the degree of how a person is organized in one's exterior. However, it is merely a characteristic which does not draw any linear relationship between a success of a person. According to the research conducted by Association of Brain Development actually shows that there are no evidence that a person who has tidy rooms and desk are more likely to succeed ss. Indeed, the research proved the opposite is true, the person who has tidy room has limited ability in general compared to the one who does not have tidy room. The result demonstrates that tidy person tends to refrain oneself from in venturous situation as well as seeking for easier, safer ways. Unlike people who have tidy room, people who live in messier room achieve a lot better because they show greater attempts to accomplish one's goal. Therefore, the claim that student with tidy room achieve greater success is invalid.
For these reasons, I firmly believe that the statement is untrue, in the light of creativeness and actual relationship between success and tidiness. Furthermore, it I was proven that the opposite was true.
Good (24–26) 서론 -앞에 although 가 있으므로 but이 또 들어가면 중복적 의미가 됩니다.
첫번째 본문 -throughout 입니다. -수동태는 be p.p -are이 있으므로 appears는 동사 중복입니다. appearing (동명사) 로 쓰시거나 빼주세요. -to+동사원형
두번째 본문 -주어 동사 없습니다. -a person 에 대한 설명이므로 who를 써주시는 것이 좋습니다. -to 동사원형이므로 success(명사)-->succeed(동사) -refrain from 결론 -I proved 나 it was proven 으로 써주세요
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