▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that teacher's earnings should not be dependent on their students' accomplishment. In my opinion, however, teachers should get their reward according to their contribution to the students' performance. First of all, teachers should have responsibility to their students' accomplishment. That is, The teachers' rudimentary role in a school is to help their students perform well. If this fundamental goal cannot be guaranteed due to the teachers' poor capability, we should question about their reward. For example, when I was a high school student, my math teacher was terrible in teaching. Even though he was smart and built a lot of careers, he was so awkward when it comes to teaching in class. Suitably, we started to question whether he deserves to earn a lot of money with his low teaching skills. that lot of pay. Students said that they felt like being abandoned because of his lack of responsibility towards them. If teachers got paid according to their accomplishment towards students, at least he might have looked himself about his poor teaching skills and try to improve them in order to get more payment. (예시의 구조는 100% 본인 주장을 뒷받침 할 수 있어야 하기 때문에 1) 가르치는 재능이 없는데 돈을 많이 버는 것이 싫다/이해할 수 없다 를 넘어 2) 인 실제로 제도/기타 규칙이 변경되어 그렇게 돈을 못 벌게 되었고, teaching skills를 이후에 발달시켜 모두가 만족하는 teacher 가 되었다 등 해당 구조를 보완해 작성해주세요)
On top of that, teaching skills can be also developed through their efforts to enhance their students' performance. In particular, teachers who are teaching students in private education institute have much more sophisticated skills in teaching. Because they do not belong to school, their earnings totally rely on their popularity as a teacher. So for this reason, these teachers try to improve their teaching skills even more harder than school teachers to raise their reputation, which is directly related to their earnings. According to a study carried out in 2010 at official examination institute (조사 인원 규모, 조사 목적 등 기타 조사에 대한 개요가 부족합니다) , the majority of the students preferred the private institute teachers to school teachers because of the differences in their teaching skills. The reason was that the teachers have their own fascinating teaching skills about how to raise their students scores effectively in a short time. It is needless to say that the students who have been taught by those private institute teachers entered to higher level colleges and universities than who did not. To sum up, teachers should have responsibility to their students' performance and develop teaching skills. In this regard, I totally concur with that the teachers' income should be based on the level of accomplishment of students.
1. 문장 자유도 / 변형도가 낮습니다 2. 소유격 사용, 관사 사용 등 문법 실수가 반복적으로 나타납니다. 3. 예시의 detail 및 논리 구조가 약하며 이로 인해 1st & 2nd 이유가 설득력이 약합니다.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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