▶ Your Answer :
There is some discrepancy over whether or not it is crucial in knowing to know whatever what happens around the world. Some people do not agree with the idea that it is crucial to know the current events because it do does not have a great impact on their lifes.lives. However, I highly strongly believe that accessing a lot of the world's events is advantageous to us. The reasons are as follows. To begin with, globalization is a very important issue these days. There are not many countries that do not trade with others. Most of nations cannot help interacting with each other due to their comparative advantages. The grade of annually trade has significant influence on our economy. (더 자세히 설명해 주세요. ) Thus, if we do not know precisely about our traders, we might have a loss in profit. According to "The Korea Post 17-6", the United States of America cancelled the original plan that is was useful for South Korea's economy. Since USA is not getting along with China and North Korea these days, they said that they have to contemplate on whether to continue on with the project related to providing aid for North Korea. Also, UN suggested that they do not allow the nations who help North Korea financially to have access with to North Korea. It is considered that this bad news have has maleficent impacts on the economy of both South Korea and North Korea. Through this news, we can reach the conclusion : global issues is really important because it might deter our economy from developing. In addition, how much people have various information is one of important ability these days. (문장이 매우 어색해요. In addition, the level of knowledge individuals have differ from one person to another. 이렇게 쓰시면 더 자연스럽습니다.)It is getting harder to get a job because of so much competition. Fortunately, thanks to smart phones and the internet,Internet, we can access a lot of up-to-date information instantly with one mouse click. Despite this innovation, people who do not have interest in world's news will not be able to compete with others. Interestingly, a renowned socialist in South Korea wrote an article about one of the most fascinating ability abilities nowadays. He suggested that adapting fast to developed society and accessing recent information quickly is required to for young people, especially those who are job seeker. Furthermore, some famous companies' recruiters maintained that a lot of global information is helpful for in communicating with members of other branches in the world. They always keep in touch with their abroad partners. This is why assorted knowledge about the world events is advantageous to making company companies global. (Topic sentence는 사람들의 지식이 다르다로 시작해서 concluding sentence는 기업들에 대해 써주셨습니다. 일관성이 없으니 한 개만 택해 더 자세히 써주세요.) To sum up, global issues have an impact on nation's economic development. Also knowing about them enable people to compete these days. In this regard, I firmly think that It is significant to know knowing plenty of happenings around the world even if they do not have an effect on my life our lives is significant.
[Score] 22-23
[Feedback]
-두번째 바디 문단은 일관성이 없습니다. 주장을 더 또렷하게 써주세요!
- 현재형과 과거형 중에
한 개를 선택해 시제를 맞춰주세요
- 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세요.
- 전치사에도 더 신경을 써주세요. ex. improving on, related to 이런 건 외워 두시는 것도 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다! |