▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that watching movies and reading books is better than physical excise in order to relax. However in my opinion, excising has more advantages than watching movies and reading books. The reasons are that doing excising regularly regular exercise helps people to be healthy preserve their health and it is useful helps to release our their stress. (인칭 일치해주세요)
To begin with, our health is more important than anything else. If people lose their health, they cannot enjoy their life well. Therefore, people have to exercise regularly for their healthy life. For example, a study was conducted by National Association of Health Promotion to determine whether doing exercise could affect people's heath condition. There were two groups monitored. The first group was formed of people who often enjoyed exercise and the other group consisted of people who did not like physical activities. The researchers compared the health state of two groups and what they found was intriguing. The people in the first group tended to live in healthier life than those in the other group. This is because people who do not exercise regularly are easy to become obesitye and tend to have low level of immunity. This survey proves that exercising is really important for our lives.
On top of that, having the outlet for stress has meaning in itself since it helps one regain energy and thus find the strength to go on (불필요한 수식어가 많아져서 문장이 길어지면 전달하고자 하는 바를 명확히 전달하기가 어렵습니다. Topic sentence는 간결하게 써주세요). People nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It will help people get back on track after doing diverse exercise. For example, I will talk about my past experience when I worked as an intern, I really had hard time dealing with other members of my department. Completing my works was also an overwhelming task for me. However, the reason I could overcome the hard time was that I did various sports at that time. When I finished my duty, I met my friends and played soccer and basketball and so on. After exercising, I could have fresh mind and release my stress. Moreover, I could get the strength to work continuously. Through my experience, I think that exercising is really helpful for people who have a hard time with stress.
In a nutshell taking the importance of health and having the way to release stress into consideration, the advantages of doing exercising far outweigh those of watching movies and reading books. In this regard, I firmly believe that the doing exercise positively influence our life.
[Score] 22-25 [Feedback] - 전반적으로 잘 쓰여진 에세이입니다. 문장의 구조나 흐름, 그리고 예시가 아주 좋습니다. - 다만 본문에도 써드렸듯이 불필요한 미사여구나 문장은 최대한 쓰지 않는 것이 좋습니다. - 그리고 예시가 아닌 topic sentence나 introduction에서는 I 나 we 대신 people과 같은 generalized된 인칭을 쓰는 것이 좋습니다. - 마지막으로, 사소한 문법적 오류를 최대한 줄이시고 콤마(,)를 정확히 써주세요. 콤마 빼먹은 문장만 5-6개는 되는 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다~ |