▶ Topic : Some people think that people’s freedom should never be limited. However, in my opinion, (콤마와 같은 문장부호도 신경써주세요) the minimum restriction of freedom is necessary. This is because if people excessively persue only freedom of themselves, it can destroy other one (여기서 other one이 지칭하느는게 무엇인지 구체적으로 써주세요) and result in breaking destruction of a society. To begin with,(문장부호) inordinate behaviors can invade other’s right of freedom. In other words,(문장부호) insolent and excessive behaviors like drinking, loud speaking, shouting stuff like that make it fragmentary for other people to enjoy their peaceful life incessantly. For example,(문장부호) when I sturdied studied in the college library right before mid-term exam, nearby some people around me was were very loud. They spoke with each other with high tone and seemed like even drunk. They look like playing a seemed to have some sort of party going on there so I could not concentrate on my study. I did not have a choice but to report to a library conductor. Eventually,(문장부호) he forced them out, so I could retrieve my freedom. On top of that,(문장부호) unlimited freedom can fragment social norms. What I mean is that if all the people require claim their freedom without consideration toward considering others, the social rules will be unable to sustain, which consequently might be eventually result in chaos. A study was conducted by Law Council Association to determine whether minimum social rules is necessary to sustain the society or not. There are two groups monitored. The first group was formed of people who had their own social rules and the other group was consisted of people who did not. The researchers compared the outcomes and recorded that the former is better to continue(불명확한 단어) the society than the latter. This accounts for that when people are invaded their own rights,(문장부호) they also no longer might be considerate and they usually think that their behaviors not be inordinate.(불명확한 표현) To sum up,(문장부호) with non-restricted behaviors break other rights and can make the society be chaos chaotic. As a result,(문장부호) I firmly believe that it is crucial in preserving the society from dismissing.
[Score] 20-22 [Feedback] - 전반적으로 아쉬운 글입니다. 글쓴이의 주장과 전달하고자 하는 바가 명확하게 전달되지 않습니다. - Academic한 어휘를 많이 사용하신 것은 좋으나 기본적인 내용 전달과 올바른 문장부호 사용에도 더 신경써주세요~ 예를 들면, 콤마와 같은 문장부호/ 수 일치/ 오타/ 접속사 사용 등에서 실수를 줄이시면 좋을 것 같아요. - 그리고 2nd opinion 부분은 특히 내용적인 측면에서 주장과 근거 모두 confusing합니다. 수고하셨습니다! |