▶ Your Answer : Some people think young people are not in need of an ability to plan and organize despite of too complex life nowadays. However, I disagree with that statement. I think young people are in need of an ability to plan and organize due to too complex life nowadays. First, most university students have to plan and organize well. Because they usually suffer from their many various stuffs. This means students have lots of assignments and they try to earn money through their part-time jobs at the same time. To do well in both of them, they have to plan and organize their schedule. They have to have deep understanding of what to do for that their assignments and jobs need which property. For example, I am a university student who major in child education and a waitress in a restaurant for my part-time job. The job is very hard for me , especially after I end up my lots of assignments. The job requires me very high endurance because I have to stand up and walk in all my work time. Also, I have to make lots of dolls for young children for my major assignments. This requires me high concentration for good quality of dolls. So, when I have lots of assignments such as making dolls, I make them in a subway while I go to the university . Bbecause, I can concentrate well especially in the subway. Also, when I work in a restaurant, I already do exercise before that day. whenever I do exercise, I feel my to build my endurance is high. Second, most people feel bad to complex relationship. This is related to social network system. IT develops rapidly recently because of development of technology. It leads many people to see their friends’ news through their smart phone. Often, social network system does not make us concentrate well our work. So, we have to manage well our time we see their news. For example, we are exposed easily to our network friends’ issues. It means we get to know well about their news, even though we are not interested in them by checking our social network system. In this case, we often feel suppressed that we have to express thoughts and emotions to their news in social network system. So, we feel tired easily due to uninterested and lots of complex news. Finally, we have to plan and organize ourt time to check our social network system to be free from complex relationship and feelings. It means that young people have to fix time to check their social network system. In conclusion, I think that because the life is too complex nowadays, young people are in need of an ability to plan and organize due to two aspects of complex works(assignments) and relationship. So, young people have to plan and organize their time schedule. In addition, they have to consider their job’s property.
Fair (17-23)
첫번째 본문 -property는 이 문맥에서 어색한 표현입니다. -주어+동사, because 주어+동사 혹은 because 주어+동사, 주어+동사 로 표현해주세요. -문장 복잡하게 하지말고 단순하게 표현하시는 것이 의미전달에 더 효과적입니다. -내용상, 본인이 무슨일을 했다는 것보다 어떻게 plan and organize를 하였고, 그것이 왜 필요했는지에 중점을 더 맞춰주세요. 두번째 본문 -연두색 부분 내용 이해가 어렵습니다. -because of +명사입니다. 그냥 because는 위에 쓴대로 써주세요. -내용이 반복적입니다. 왜 sns를 하는데 plan and organize를 해야하는지, 그것이 어떤 영향을 미치는지에 대해 자세히 써주세요. sns를 많이 한다는 내용이 반복적으로 나와있는데 줄여주시고 토픽에 대한 내용을 써주세요.
결론 -괄호 사용 지양해주세요.
전체적으로 내용 보충이 필요하고, 본인의 주장/이유에 대한 일관성있는 설명/예시를 들어주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
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