Various opinions may exist over the argument that it is really important for young people to attain the ability to plan and organize in a world of a complex. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete agreement with the argument. The two ideas stated below can be valid evidence to support my view.
First of all, people should learn skills for a planning work and maintaining themselves so that they can acquire an outcompeting advantage over other candidates in a job market. Today many people face fierce competitions since there are too many job candidates with not so many jobs available. Therefore, it has become extremely difficult to find suitable and rewarding jobs. In order for people to become desirable applicants and find a success in their future career, people should invest money and time to cultivate the ability to plan schedules and to organize works. An anonymous poll conducted by Facebook survey page targeted HR managers shows that more than 70 percent of the respondents answered that they think that the most important consideration of large companies for hiring new people is an experience of planning projects or managing schedules for their works. Some people also commented that they prefer this ability more than an ability for a creative thinking. This poll can support that my opinion is compelling.
On top of that, young people can find emotional relief by organizing well their objects and schedules since it is effective for boosting people's moods. Nowadays many people get weary with too much stress. By skills to manage themselves and to plan various things in their life, however, they can have more time to temporarily forget their problem and to gain some breathing space. In this respect, this ability can be a great means of refreshing their minds. According to a post by a renowned sociologist Simon Choi on his Linkedin, people today should pursue to have more time for taking a rest and feeling comfortable. He also mentioned that modern society is on a way to become the Fourth Industrial Revolution so a less stressful mind is more important for any successful person, and planning skill can help them feel less stressed.
To sum up, my explanations above sufficiently prove the advantage of gaining the ability to plan and organize. Obviously, the significance of a success in a job market and having a time for relieving stress cannot be overemphasized enough. Hence, in order for people to acquire these benefits, the enhancing skills for planning and organizing is a better decision.
Good (24–30)
첫번째 본문
-철자 오류
-planning work전체를 명사형으로 쓴 것이 아니므로 앞에 a 뺍니다.
-내용 괜찮습니다.
두번째 본문
-첫번째 본문과 길이 균형 조금만 더 맞춰주세요.
-마지막에 조금더 토픽과 연결시켜주시면 글의 설득력이 올라갑니다. (빨간 부분)
결론
-enhancing skill 전체를 명사형으로 쓰지않았으므로, the 뺍니다.
전체적으로 내용 괜찮고 문법도 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다~