▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that it is more beneficial to use my own experience to solve problems. There are obviously many opinions regarding this topic, but it is clear that it is useful to question other people such as parents for advice. ^ First of all, not using my own knowledge allows me to alleviate stress. This is mainly because it can help me to relax and clear my their mind. This brings a new solution to perplexing and stressful problems. Therefore, requesting help is one of the best and most effective ways to escape from the harsh reality. For example, when I was in high school, I was extremely exhausted and stressed due to excessive homework such as resume and essay. Thus, I asked for help from my parents and they gave me many useful information. While talking with them about my homework, I had a brief moment of relief from my stressful schoolwork. This was because they always told me that you have to succeed in your field.. ^ In addition, it is not good to utilize my own knowledge and experience to settle problems. This is due to the fact that if I attempt to solve problems myself, I will consume more time than asking other people for advice. This situation will stress me out. In fact, stress is one of the primary factors of illnesses because it weakens the ability of the immune system in fighting diseases. For instance, my uncle, a doctor at a general hospital in a city, tells me that many of patients suffer adverse health effects from stress. They come to him for stress-related ailments and disorders. He has found relationships between stress and human diseases such as headaches, high blood pressure, and insomnia. In this sense, it is healthful for me to question other people for suggestion. ^ In conclusion, it seems to me that it is efficient for me to demand another person for advice. The example of reduce stress and health support the argument.
Fair/Good (22-24) 첫번째 본문 -두번째 줄에서, 나의 맘이니 my입니다. -마지막 문장 (파란색) 본문의 내용과 무슨 관련이 있는지 모호합니다. 차라리 빼주시는 것이 흐름상 더 적절합니다.
첫번째와 두번째 본문의 이유가 둘다 스트레스 입니다. 결론에 health support라고 하였지만, 결국 스트레스가 원인입니다. 둘다 이유는 같지만 예시만 다릅니다. 두개의 본문에 확연히 다른 이유를 써주셔야 글의 설득력이 높아집니다. 비슷하거나 거의 같으면 결국 하나의 이유입니다.
전체적으로 문법과 단어나 문장력은 괜찮습니다. 글의 내용 부분에서 많이 보충해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
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