▶ Your Answer :
There are some
disagreements over whether or not playing sports is important in the life
because there is we can learn lesson in from playing sports. Some people believe that it is unnecessary
for people to learn from playing sports. My view, however, is that people can
be to by playing sports in connection with life. (이 문장은 이해가 안돼요. 다시 써 주세요.) There is the importance of
cooperation. Moreover, there is the sense of encourage.encouragement.
To
begin with, playing sports help people to recognize the importance of
cooperation. Sports are not able to work alone.In sports, cooperation is key. This is because a team in
sports incorporates a lot of athletes, coaches and managers. The members in a
team play a significant role on in leading to the fruition of a team. When the team
wins againsta their competitor, people can feel their pleasure, which galvanizes
people to know about the power of cooperation. For example, when I was in high
school, I was a soccer player. I mainly played alone without passing to our
team players. The behavior made my team come to naught to win lose in a game. Also,
I was blamed from our team players.for the loss. I recognized realized why I cooperated with other
players to take a the cup. When my team matched against our competitor, I was
benevolent for my team cooperated with my team and thus my team won a the cup.
In
addition, people have increased learn to give more encouragement. People can be easy to easily feel
pleasure from winning as people can participate in sports whenever they want in
comparison to their life. (이 문장도 topic sentence랑 좀 안맞습니다.) This means that playing sports is similar with the
society. People should go through an extra mile to succeed in their life lives by making
the most of their time and money. On the other hand, it is less hard to win a game,
which means that people can use less their time and money. Winning makes people
have the sense of encourage encouragement in their life.lives. According to the study conducted by
a team at Korea University, the research revealed that there is indirect
experience in sports. This was due to the fact that people who play a sport had
a lot of opportunities to feel pleasure from a game. Consequently, it was
highly possible for them to be successful in their life lives with the sports.
[Score] 17-18
[Feedback] - 에세이의 시작인 introduction은 잘 써 주셨습니다. - 다만, 두번째 바디 문단은 주장이 좀 토픽이랑 안맞는 거 같아요. 운동을 하면서 encourgement를 받아서 나중에 성공한다는 말 같은데 토픽은 운동을 하면서 교훈을 얻는다니까 두번째 바디 문단은 off-topic이라고 받을 수 있을 확률이 높습니다. - 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세 - 현재형과 과거형 중에
한 개를 선택해 시제를 맞춰주세요 - 그리고 conclusion도 써주세요.
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