Some people think that dealing with problems on their own is better than receiving government assistance. However, in my opinion, receiving government assistance is necessary in fact, this is because of two reasons. One reason is the aid of government is in need of people's passion and encouragement for the future (너무 vague함), and another reason is that government actually can help people in dealing with problems in there lives from side.
To begin with, government assistance can affect people to become braver. If people have no help from government, they must be concerned about their future when challenging for something they want. to do, because Without the government's support, people have to face the reality by themselves when they failed to complete something, they have to face the reality which in risk. (4문장을 한문장으로 쓰면 안돼요. 2문장씩 끊어주세요) A recent study has shown that a majority of people who work in business field have worries about how they avoid or offset a risk when they got failed. In particular, most young people are afraid of the situation that they face the certain problems to build a career. For examples, Going abroad to study, or getting financial tuition and finding a mentor for their job options are the examples of the situation. In this case, if they can receive assistance from government, they not only become braver, but they also can feel a sence of safe when they are challenging and trying to do something.
Moreover, not in the area of emotional aid, they actually can benefit from government in concrete situation. They will not worry about their some problems because of the help of government. In my case, I ever went to china to study chinese as a foreign student, and at that time in that period, I had a severe car accident when I walked on street. In hospital, I had no money for an emergency surgery in at that time, so my friend called embassy for help. After a several conversation between my friend and worker of embassy, they gave me a temporary financial aid so that I can could survive from the accident. In that time i I felt the biggest, infinite appreciation for government's help, also and it was the a most impressive memory in China. If there was no help from government, I can't breath for now exactly. could not have survived.
To sum up, people can deal with problems with government assiatance. And For these reasons, I definitely think that government assistance is necessary for one-hundred percent rather than dealing with problems on their own.
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21-23
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- 글의 구조나 문장의 흐름, 아이디어 등은 좋습니다.
- 다만, 문법적 오류와 어색하고 vague한 표현들이 글의 이해도를 낮추는 것이 아쉽습니다. 더블체크를 통해 문법실수나 대문자 소문자 실수와 같은 사소한 실수는 줄여주세요~
- 그리고 한 문장안에 3-4문장을 나열하는 것은 좋지않습니다. 간결하고 명확한 표현을 지향해주세요.