▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that young people nowadays make significant effects on the important decisions that determine the future of society as a whole. However, I personally disagree with this for the subsequent reasons. First, young people have lack of experiences about social life. Second, young people often have narrow perspectives about the society as a whole. Firstly, 입장을 뒷받침하는 주장의 형태로 첫 문장을 제시해주세요. '젊은이들은 진짜 사회에 대한 경험을 넓혀야 한다'라고만 제시하면 '젊은이들이 사회적 의사결정에 영향을 미치는가'라는 질문에 대한 답변으로 보기 어렵기 때문에 주제와의 연관성이 잘 드러나지 않아요. young people need to broaden experience about real society. Comparing Compared to the old people, young people still need to experience of trial and error on social life. To be specific, accepting concept of textbooks may not be the case in real experience of having trial and error on the society. For instance, wWhen I was in college, I thought that the regulations on aboutminimum wage was unfair. In these situations, Thus I had worked together with my class mates in order to argue that the government there need to increase the minimum wage. However, I realized that just beyond maintaining about my opinions to the government, there are need to some process to convey pass on my claims such as persuading officials, forming detail documents and so on is needed. I did not have had too lack of experience to handle these problems that much, and I learned that I had have to strengthen my experience about social life. 단순히 경험이 부족하다는 설명은 주제와 연결짓기 좀 거리가 있는 것 같아요. 의사결정에 영향을 미칠 수 있는 실질적인 방법을 잘 모른다거나 하는 식으로 더 구체적으로 발전시켜도 괜찮을 것 같아요. Secondly, young people often have narrow perspectives in terms of the society. Generally, young people can be easily influenced by their peers, which results in that young people do did not have well-balanced perspectives. Interestingly, a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in “The Korean Herald” last Tuesday which claims that young people should not participate in social movement since they do did not establish well-balanced perspectives yet. The article argues that young people mainly spend time with their friends and are protected by their parents. In these situations, young people can be easily affected by their surrounding people, which results in making partial opinions. I thought of this report because the results of the survey argument resonated with my thoughts. To sum up, I believe that the important decisions that determine the future of society have no are not influenced by young people nowadays for the following reasons. Young people not only have lack of experience about society but also have narrow perspectives about society. Consequently, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 사회적 의사결정에 큰 영향을 미치지 못하는 이유로 경험부족과 관점의 편향을 들어 주셨는데, 좀 더 내용이 구체적으로 제시되면 좋을 것 같다는 아쉬움이 들어요. 젊은이들이 경험이 부족하다 / 관점이 편향되기 쉽다, 라고만 설명하기보다 '그래서 사회적 의사결정에는 크게 영향을 미치지 못한다'라고 연결할만한 보완설명이 들어가면 좀 더 설득력이 높은 글이 될 수 있어요. 같은 내용을 반복적으로 설명하는 부분을 많이 덜어내고 단계적인 논리 구성이 드러나도록 구성을 발전시켜보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어색한 표현이나 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |