▶ Your Answer : As the number of people who are interested in interacting with others is increasing every year, it is of great worth to discuss whether or not old people can learn something from young peole people. As far as I am concerned, I am in favor of the latter (latter는 '후자'라는 의미로 이전 문장에서 두 가지 옵션을 언급해주셔야 연결이 됩니다) for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, old people's life can be more convenient by learning new techinical technical knowledge from the young. In this fast changing society, there are floods of newly developed devices or systems to make our lives convenient and easy. Young people tend to learn and get used to these things faster. Thus, seniors can follow this trendy lifestlye lifestyle by learning current technologies from yong young people. According to a recent article that I read in a magazine, about ninety seven percent of young adults are well-informed about current technologies. In particular, these devices are closely related to the young's daily work routine and personal life. On the other hand, merely less than six percent of the seniors feel familiar to brand new technologies like internet, smartphone and laptop. Especially, most of them responded that they usually receive help from younger people like their sons, daughters and gradnchildren grandchildren to learn about how to use these devices. This demonstrates that young people's new knowledge can help old people's life to stay convenient and easy. Another thing to remember is that the old can interact well with their family members by learning many trendy manners and cultures (이 문화가 무엇인지 적어도 예시를 통해 정의를 해주셔야 합니다) from the young. Modern society is changing fast (이전 paragraph와 겹치는 내용은 쓰지 않습니다) and people's viewpoints, behaviors and cultures also rapidly get altered. This trend tends to make old people feel isolated and marginalized. Hoowever However, if the old learn these new cultures from the young, they are highly likely to interact well with others, conclusively contributing to their overall happiness. For instance, my grandfather used to feel lonely because he did not communicate well with us. He felt that we were indifferent to him. Fortunately, he was able to be happy again, by learning young cultures like popular coinage and attitude from my brother. Grandfatehr's Grandfather's voice became friendly (다소 어색한 표현입니다 - He spoke in a more friendly way) and he tried to reach out to us first rather than using demanding tones when he spoke. As a result, the time he spent with his family members increased, making him happy and improving his mental health as well. This anecdote shows a clear advantage that seniors can take by learning from young people. As I have mentioned above, young people can teach not only current technologies but also current manners and cultures to old people, helping the old's life more convenient and happy. I certainly disagree with the statement that there is nothing that the old can learn from the young.
p.s 메거진에서 본내용의 시제를 현재형으로 썼는데,, 조사결과는 항상 과거 시제여야하나요? 너무 헷갈려서 따로 질문 드려요,, 감사합니다...
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Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 오타가 굉장히 많습니다. 한번 정도는 괜찮지만 반복되면 감점을 받습니다. - complex한 문장들도 많이 사용하시고 계시고 큰 문법 실수들도 많이 없습니다. 그러나 ',' 추가로 문장 구조가 불필요하게 복잡해지는 부분들이 있어요. 앞뒤로 이런 문장들이 있으면 전체 흐름에 안좋은 영향을 줍니다. - 내용은 살짝 off-topic입니다. 질문은 청년이 노인에게 가르칠 것이 있는지 아니면 없는지에 대해 물어보고 있어요. 그런데 에세이의 내용은 노인이 얻는 benefit에 더 집중되어있다는 느낌이 들었어요. - 따라서 토픽 센텐스는 'technology 관련 지식을 얻을 수 있다' 여기에서 끊는 것이 좋고 make their lives more convenient 부분은 본론에만 아주 잠깐 언급해주시기만 하면 될 것 같아요. 본론에서는 왜 young이 old보다 technology 지식이 더 많은지, 이 technology 지식이 무엇인지 (스마트폰 사용 방법), 위주로 되어있어야 해요. - 본론2에서 trendy한 culture가 무엇인지 정의를 내려주셔야 합니다. (요즘 음악 등) - 매거진에서 나온 내용이 만약 과거에 대한 내용이면 과거시제를 써주시고 현재에 대한 내용이면 현재형으로 써주셔야 합니다. 본인이 매거진을 어디에서 어떻게 읽었는지에 대한 내용이 에세이에 넣고 싶다면 이 부분은 과거형으로 쓰셔야 합니다. ex) According to the article, around fifty thousand people died during the war. (과거 이야기) According to the article, only 39% of stray dogs end up in dog shelters. (현재 이야기) According to the article, only 39% of stray dogs ended up in dog shelters last year. (과거 이야기)
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