▶ Your Answer :
A substantial number of people believe that
TV programs and movies don’t have to show that good people get advantages and
bad people get disadvantages. However, in my opinion, TV programs and movies should
show that good people are rewarded and bad people are punished. This is because
these media would strongly affect the overall society and people who watch
them, and they are required to promote constructive conduct.
To begin with, TV programs and movies
significantly impact on the mind and the actions of the people who watch them. This
is mainly because these media are the method to acknowledge and understand the
modern society, and people can learn many aspects of the society through
watching them. Also, people often imitate some specific actions they watch on
the screen, whether these actions are good or not. Therefore, if TV programs
and movies show an unfair situation, people would wrongly understand the
genuine justice. As a result this will negatively influence impact the overall society. For
instance, an action movie, regarding successive bank robbery by main actors,
was released in 2012, and it quickly became a world-famous movie. However, the
movie played a negative role in increasing incidence of bank robbery worldwide,
and some people mimicked the crime patterns that the main actors did in the
movie. As this example demonstrates, TV programs and movies strongly have an
influence on the people who watch them. 영향을 크게 미치기 때문에 -> 권선징악 위주로 보여줘야 한다는 주장까지 연결해주세요.
On top of that, media such as TV programs
and movies should encourage positive behavior. '왜' 그래야 하는지가 주장으로 제시되어야 해요. 본론1에서 사람들의 행동양식에 영향을 미치기 때문이라고 설명한 것처럼 본론2에서도 사회상에 영향을 미치기 때문이라거나 하는 식으로 좀 더 구체적인 이유를 표현해주세요. Even though many people watch TV
programs and movies primarily for entertainment, viewers receive constant
messages about the role of humans in society and in the world. If good action
is viewed as being well compensated, then it will strengthen that idea in the
viewers. A recent research conducted by Seoul National University in 2012 has
shown that young people usually model their behavior based on what they see on
the screen. The research has also shown that children whose families only allow
them to watch wholesome programs also have a good behavior in school. By
showing kids and adolescents that there is a reward for proper conduct, they
are more likely to act out the expected behavior and become constructive
members of society. This implies that TV programs and movies have to show
positive and fair results every time.
To sum up, TV programs and movies have a strong
effect on the viewers and the overall society, and these media are required to promote
constructive behavior. In this regard, I strongly agree with the statement that
TV programs and movies have to show that good people are rewarded and bad
people are punished.
Comment : 전반적으로 주제에 맞게 내용을 잘 풀어주셨어요. 지금은 개인의 행동과 사회적 측면의 이점 정도로 포괄적인 서술이 주를 이루고 있지만, 두 본론의 내용이 크게 구분되지 않는다는 느낌이 들 수 있으니 초점을 두는 요소가 더 분명해져도 좋을 것 같습니다. 청소년이 바람직한 사회구성원으로 성장할 수 있게 하기 위한 교육적 측면과 사회안전망 유지(모방범죄 등이 일어나지 않게 하는 것)의 측면으로 구체화해볼 수도 있을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence (통일성, 연속성, 일관성을 보임) - Displays consistent facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety, appropriate word choice and idiomaticity, though it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors (사소한 어휘・문법적 오류를 보일 수는 있으나 대체로 적절한 어휘와 표현을 사용하고 다양한 형태의 문장, 유창한 언어 구사력을 보임)
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