▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that it is better for governments to spend more costs exploring outer space than preserving nature. However, I am strongly convinced that countries should consume more money to protect nature. (주제 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요)
Admittedly, investing in exploring space plays an important role in broadening our perspectives. discovering various exotic lives and planets can expose us to different ideas and thoughts that we have never known before. Consequently, we can take a quantum leap in intellectual growth and accept the diversity important in an era of globalization. From my experience, when I was in high school, I watched a documentary about NASA, which was supported by government. They explored space for a long time, thanks to the government, and discovered unknown planet and lives. As a result, I learned about mysterious phenomenons in space and acknowledge other world and life other than us. -> 우주 탐험 = preserving nature 라고 볼 수 없습니다.
However, spending a lot of money protecting nature is helpful for our health. If the governments invest little money in welfare about preserving nature, we will live in a harmful environment and be worried about our health extremely, stressing us out. This situation stressed us out. Stress weakens our immune system in fighting for human disease. For example, my uncle, a doctor in a general hospital, tells me that many people suffer adverse diseases from stress. They often come to him due to stress related ailments and disorders. So, he has found relationships between stress and human diseases such as high-blood pressure, headache and so on. (이런 연관성을 찾는 것 외에 구체적으로 환경이 나빠지면 어떻게 스트레스가 쌓이고 이로 인해 건강이 악화되는지에 대한 내용이 부족합니다)
On balance, although some might argue that the government should invest more money in exploring space, I believe that supporting the money in preserving nature is much important because the most important thing is people's health. The example of health supports this opinion. (건강 외에 명시한 다른 이유도 추후에 포함하여 작성해주세요)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
|
ORGANIZATION
|
PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
|
LANGUAGE USE
|
GRAMMAR
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
LIMITED
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
- 기초적인 단어 spelling error 가 있습니다 (money 를 meney로 표기하는 등). 주의해주세요.
|