▶ Your Answer :
The claim
regarding the same education curriculum reflects a benevolent intention to
every student with a well-constructed education. I agree that it is beneficial
for students to prepare their future since it offers diverse background knowledge
effectively. However, it sometimes constricts to promote a student’s potential
and talent within the strict curriculum.
The first reason I
have such a view is that the national curriculum is constructed by preeminent
experts in diverse fields such as philosophy, natural science, and music. The
professionals have deep knowledge in their research field, so they are able to
transfer valuable lessons more efficiently to students. Admittedly, the
national curriculum includes a lot of professional’s effort, experience and
knowledge. Through common national education, students can prepare their future
more efficiently and they are able to find what they want to do and what is
their interest and dream. Furthermore, differentiation of curriculum might
create inequality between geographic place and personal earning. In private
school, for example, students would take an advantage when they enter a
university. To be specific, private school tends to offer customized learning
path and diverse extra-curriculum activity which are so expensive, and these
things affect inequality between students.
On the other
hands, some aspects of education need difference in path beyond each student’s
talent, interest and ability. A uniform curriculum would constrain the
abilities of students. For example, there is one girl who had potential to grow
up as a great fashion designer;, however strict educational course prevents her to
develop her talent. As a result, she is working as an officer which is an unwanted
field of her. It is important to find and educate typical ability earlier if a
child want to become an artist, athlete, or other prominent dream. Therefore, a
school should allow elective classes suitable to a student’s ability, talents,
and curiosities.
To sum, the
author’s assumption that the same national curriculum is effective to every
student is logically flawed based on the above mentioned reasons. To strengthen
his or her argument, the author should closely examine all the conditions and
possible factors affecting education of human resources and inequality
depending on education strategy. In conclusion, the author’s argument reflects
unsupported claims without clear reasons or evidence.
Fair (17-23) 한 의견으로 에세이를 진행하시는 것이 더 설득력있는 글이 됩니다. 반대의견 수용은 글을 모호하게 만들 수 있습니다.
두번째 본문 -however로 문장과 문장 잇지 못합니다. 문장; however, 문장 해주세요. 결론에서도, 토픽/혹은 저자의 의견을 논리로 반박하는 것이 아니라 토픽에 대한 본인의 주장을 펼치고 그에 대한 타당한 이유를 제시하는 것이 이 에세이의 중점입니다. 그런 쪽으로 방향을 잡아주세요.
두 분문 다 내용은 괜찮습니다.
수고하셨습니다~
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