▶ Your Answer :
There is a controversy on whether
young people are not the essential population that affects decision making for
the future. I disagree with the statement that young people are not important
when it comes to the decision making for the future of the society. The reasons
are that young people are the generation that can be affected by the decisions the
most. Thus, they have the significant role in decision making. The other reason
is that young people can make the better decision by using technology. To begin with, the decision making
for the future of society can influence the young population to the greatest
extent. 사회가 젊은이들에게 미치는 영향이 크다는 설명은 논제가 묻는 것과는 방향이 반대이기 때문에 주장으로 활용하기는 좀 어색한 것 같아요. 젊은이들이 사회의 의사결정 과정에 '어떤 측면에서' 큰 영향력을 갖는지를 보여줘야 하는 문제이므로 그 부분을 중점적으로 설명해주세요. 뒷부분에서 이야기하는 voting power나 젊은이들의 사회에 대한 높은 관심이 실제 사회의 의사결정에 큰 영향을 미친다거나 하는 식의 내용이 좀 더 main idea에 가까운 것 같아요. Since the young population has longer life expectancy and economically
active group, young generation is an important factor to be considered when it
comes to planning for the future. Without taking young generation into account,
the society as a whole would fall. For example, the politicians tend to make
the policies aiming specifically specific for the young generation because they have the
strong influence on the decision making with and voting power. Not all young people
are directly engaged in the politics and social problems, but however, most of them they are
greatly interested in how the process is done and implemented in their daily
lives. Second, young people are an
influential group since they can utilize the technology to influence others.
Young generation is prone to use different social networking sources, and the Iinternet
which can influence the society in an efficient way. To be more specific, young
people can freely express their feelings and opinions by using smartphone or internet-based equipment. The words can spread throughout the society quickly
and can be formed as public opinions. For example, when I was in college, there
was the strong movement on the internet initiated by the young people, and the
movement was about increasing the minimum wage. Because of the strong public
support by the young working class, the law was passed to bring up the minimum
wage.
Finally, I strongly think that young people have
strong influence on the decision making for the future of society since they are
the most economically active groups as well as they can get affected by the
changes in the society extensively. In addition to that, young people can
affect the other people through technology, thus, they can create the public
movement.
Comment : 본론2에서처럼 파급력이 높은 젊은이들의 특징을 들어 사회적 의사결정에 미치는 영향을 뒷받침하는 전략은 굉장히 좋은 것 같아요. 본론1의 경우에는 주장이 다소 모호하게 느껴지는 부분들이 아쉬웠어요. 명확하게 어떤 점에서 젊은이들이 사회적 의사결정에 영향을 미치는지를 먼저 제시하고 그에 대한 설명과 사례내용이 이어지도록 문단 흐름을 더 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |