▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that airplanes have made a greater influence on society than cars. However, I personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. This is because the importance of the car industry is much greater than that of the airplane industry, and cars are heavily responsible for the environment. To begin with, the car industry has been one of the most important industries in the economy. This is due to the fact that car industry led to drastic development of related industries. Moreover, this advancement of related industries has in turn extended job market. According to a recent survey done by SNF, 10% of the entire job market in the US is related to the auto industry. Moreover, GDP highly relies on the auto industry while airplane industry does not affect the GDP that much. This shows that the economy highly relies on the car industry. 경제가 자동차 산업에 많이 의존한다는 식의 표현보다는 '경제적으로 자동차가 지금껏 미쳐온 영향이 굉장히 크다는 점을 보여준다'하는 식으로 직접적으로 표현하면 좀 더 주제와의 연관성을 드러내기에 좋을 것 같아요. On top of that, cars are highly responsible for environmental problems. The reason is that the CO2 from cars pollutes the air, which affects the environment. This polluted air in turn triggers acid rain, which results in erosion of the soil. In a study conducted by SNU, the number of car users in 2017 has increased 20% more than the previous year, which led to 30% increase of CO2 level. However, the number of airplane users has not increased that much, which means airplane is not that highly responsible for CO2 level. This clearly proves that cars have had more impact on the environment than airplanes have done. 자동차가 배출하는 CO2가 더 많다는 식의 설명도 가능하지만, 환경에 실제로 미친 영향을 드러내주는 사례가 제시되는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 자동차가 등장하고나서 사람들이 많이 써서 환경문제가 실제로 이렇게이렇게 심각해졌다, 하는 식으로 큰 영향력을 드러내줄 수 있는 사례가 된다면 논지를 강화하는 데 도움이 될 거예요. In conclusion, the auto industry has a great impact on economy, and auto mobiles are highly responsible for the environmental problems. Since economy and the environment are two main issues in modern society, I strongly believe that cars have made a greater effect on society than airplanes.
Comment : 중심내용을 잘 유지하면서 글을 잘 다듬어주신 것 같아요. 주제가 물어본 '사회에 미친 영향'을 더 잘 드러낼 수 있는 부분들을 생각하면서 글을 검토해보시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 여러 주제로 연습하실 때 주제와의 연관성을 드러내면서 논지를 강조하는 부분에 신경쓰면서 연습하시면 실전에서도 좋은 글을 쓰실 수 있을 거예요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Effectively addresses the topic and task (주어진 주제에 대해 정확하게 이해하고 답변을 제시함) - Is well organized and well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절한 설명과 예시를 사용하여 글을 전개・구성함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence (통일성, 연속성, 일관성을 보임) - Displays consistent facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety, appropriate word choice and idiomaticity, though it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors (사소한 어휘・문법적 오류를 보일 수는 있으나 대체로 적절한 어휘와 표현을 사용하고 다양한 형태의 문장, 유창한 언어 구사력을 보임) |