▶ Your Answer : There might be some people who believe that
students would receive better education if they were required to attend classes
for 11 months. However, I personally disagree with the idea above for two
subsequent reasons. First, students will be stressed out by attending classes
for 11 months. Second, it this will make lead to worse relationship with their family families.
First of all, attending classes for
11 months makes will make students stressful. stressed. They don’t won't have time to relieve stress. People
nowadays are living a busy and hectic life, so they are under great stress, but
a lot of them don’t even realize they are stressed out. Stress is known to be a
major factor that keeps us from being healthy. A few days ago, I read an
article posted online by KBS as to which showed a survey that is related to this topic. Of
the Out of more than 300 journalists surveyed in Korea, about 80 percent of them
believed that people need time to take a rest. The majority of the respondents
added that the reason lies in the fact that people can concentrate on their
work when they have enough time to relieve stress.
Second, relationship with students’ family
families will be worse.worsen. This is because they don’t have enough time with their family families. These
days, people tend to overlook the importance of family,being with their families because we usually
spend too much time working or studying. People We need to take a break and look
back at why we’re working or studying in the first place. Most of the time, the reason why Ppeople go through all
these hardships is to make their families happier. I will provide an example of my
friend, Kevin, whom I have known since elementary school. He used to spend time
to study because he thought that academic courses are the most important thing.
But However, one day he decided to spend time with their his family. This decision changed
his life for the better because by spending time with his family he thought realized that it is
this was the real happy life.happiness.
In conclusion, attending classes for
11 months make not only makes students stressful stressed but also worse worsens the relationship with
their family.families. In this regard, students would not receive better education if
they were required to attend classes for 11months.
[Score]
23-24
[Feedback]
- 단수 복수 수 일치 주의하세요.
- 현재형과 과거형 중에
한 개를 선택해 시제를 맞춰주세요.
- 문장을 We로 시작했으면 us나 we로 끝내고 people로 시작했으면 them으로 쓰세요. Ex. People need to look back on why we are studying (X) We need to look back on why we are studying (O) 아니면 People need to look back on why they are studying (O)
- 예시들은 적절하고 주장을 잘 support 해 주었습니다.
- 전환어도 더 써주어서 글의 흐름을 더 자연스럽게 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~ |