▶ Your Answer :
Recently, general awareness about whether it is wise to let children to avoid
watching television in order to encourage them to study harder has aroused
heated arguments. Some people, nonetheless, claim that the conventional wisdom of keeping children from watching television is right, while other deems otherwise. From my personal point of view, I firmly believe that the
conventional wisdom is wrong. I strongly argue that watching television is a
great instrument to encourage children to study harder. There are reasons and
examples as follows.
First and foremost, watching special TV programs can inspire children’s
motivation of study. There are very beneficial television programs which are
helpful to stimulating stimulate children’s curiosity of study. For example, television
programs such as National Geography and World History are useful to inspire
children to get interested in science and history. According to a study
conducted by Yonsei University, there . There were two different groups: students in
group A watched nNational Ggeography channel two times in a week over six months, while
students in group B didn’t watch this program and just studied science through
text books. The finding of this study reveals that students in Group A received
higher grades than then students in group B. Group A’s average scores were higher
than Group B’s scores by 17 percentages. 성적이 더 높았다는 내용으로 흥미를 높였다고 유추하기는 어렵습니다. 학생들에게 동기를 부여해주는 역할을 한다는 점을 보여줄 수 있도록 내용을 보완해주세요. This study implies the National
Geography was a useful instrument to inspire students to get interested in
sciences. Dr. Kim who was the director of this study points out that television
programs are helpful tools to encourage students to study harder.
Second, watching television, as a reward for studying hard, is a great tool to release children’s
stress in order to let them concentrate on studying again. There are numerous
television programs which can help to release stress, for instance, such as comedy shows
or sports programs. According to Dr. Lee who is a senior research at the Korea
Institute for National Education, Dr. Lee argues that watching television
programs after finishing daily tasks is are helpful to releasing release stress. Dr. Lee’s
team conducted an experiment to find out the correlation correlates between watching TV and
releasing stress. The stress level of 75 samples, who were high school
students, out of 100 reduced significantly after watching comedy shows for two
hours. Dr. Lee’s team conducted a follow up study which explores the correlation correlate
between the stress level and high school grades. The finding shows that the
lower stress the students have stress, the higher grades the students receive higher grades.
This implies that watching TV as a reward played an important role in relieving to release
stress, and consequently this encourages students to study again. 공부에 대한 보상으로 TV를 보게 한다는 주장으로 범위를 좁히기보다는 TV시청이 스트레스를 풀어줘서 오히려 공부에 도움이 될 수도 있으니까 무조건 TV 시청을 막는 게 베스트는 아니라고 풀어서 설명하는 게 더 나을 것 같아요. 사례도 reward로 TV를 보는 내용이 아니라 그냥 TV시청이 공부에 도움을 준 경우이고요.
Considering these findings, I firmly casts doubt on
the conventional wisdom that parents should avoid not allow children to watch watching televisions
in order to encourage them to study. The aforementioned two examples show that watching
television is beneficial to encouraging encourage students to study. First, television
programs are helpful to inspire students’ curiosity and to visualize
complicated knowledge. Second, watching television programs, as a reward, are
an important instrument to release stress, which encourages students to study
harder.
Comment : TV가 동기부여나 스트레스 해소에 도움을 줄 수 있으니 금지할 필요가 없다고 설명하는 것은 아주 좋은 전략인 것 같습니다. 내용을 설명할 때 불필요한 내용이 들어가면 논점을 흐릴 수 있으니 기본적인 나의 입장(TV를 금지하는 것이 아이들로 하여금 더 열심히 공부하게 하는 것은 아니다, TV가 오히려 도움이 되니 꼭 금지하는 게 best는 아니다)과 논리적으로 연결할 수 있는 부분들을 명확히 해서 다듬어주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 어색한 표현이나 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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