▶ Your Answer :
Do you think that you are dependent on your parents? I believe that young people today are more dependent on their parents compared to the past. This is due to their parent’s behavior and today's competitive society where they live in. To begin with, parents in today are more protective to of their children. To be specific, in temporary society having less children is trend than having many children. To raise children, parents are required much of time and money. In my country, Korea, raising one child needs about 100 billion dollars and more. Therefore many parents tend to choose choice to have having one child and focus their time and money completely on their only child. In this situation, parents give their attention wholly to only child, and they become more protective. It makes the child dependent naturally. For example, I have a 15-years -old nephew who is only child. From when he was born, his parents were focused on his everything like his friendship, school life and so on. He was like a king in his family. His parents overprotected him always even when he needed to should be scolded. This parents’s protective behavior made their only child more dependent. Now my nephew is second year in middle school, but he is still dependent on their parents. Especially in unfamiliar situation, he is like a baby. 의존적이라는 내용으로 연결하려면 '집에서 왕처럼 떠받들어지는' 내용보다는 부모가 모든 걸 다 케어해줘서 부모 없이 혼자서 뭔가 하지 못하는 내용이 더 좋을 것 같아요. On top of that, for young people living today’s competitive society, they tend to be more dependent on their family member especially on parents. To explain, it is undeniable fact that today’s society is full of competition. In this competitive life, people’s home that is not competitive place is a shelter for them not only mentally but also physically. In this relaxed place, they feel comfortable and behave more childishly. Parents are the best people who can be with naively state, so even in case of professional person, today young people become dependent when they are with their parents. For instance, in my case I am really tired of to harsh competition in my university. Everyday was a succession of competitive test and assignment. I felt that all relationship in university was based on competition, and I could not find my real friend to talk about my wish. In this situation my parents were my shelter. They heard my story sincerely and gave advice for me. Sometimes we recalled my childhood and it was joyful outlet for stress to me. When I spent time with my parents, I felt relaxed and it made me rely on parents. To sum up, today young people are more dependent on their parents due to their parents’ protection and competition in today society. In this regard, it is no wonder that young people today are more dependent compared to the past.
Comment : 부모가 아이들을 더 보호하는 경향이 있고 사회가 경쟁이 심해서 가족에 대한 의존도가 더 커질 수 있다는 설명을 차근차근 잘 풀어주신 것 같아요. 검토시간을 충분히 확보해서 문법오류도 꼼꼼하게 체크해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |