▶ Your Answer :
There
are some disagreements over whether or not the big family is immaterial not now than in compared to the past. Some people believe that the role of family has have less effect
on today's people than the past. My view, however, is that the extended family
plays a significant role on today's people. This is because people in the
contemporary society can relieve their stress with the family. Moreover, they
can acquire a wide range of information from the family.
To
begin with, people with the large family can assuage their stress more easily. In modern
society, people have less opportunity of talk with others. This is because the
society requires a lot of qualification to people and they are indifferent disinterested to
others. Thus, people cannot mitigate their stress by expressing their dissatisfaction.
However, the extended family can help people in the current society to talk
their dissatisfaction, which is because the family has a lot of interest in on them and can assist them to solve their problems without charging. 그냥 가족의 중요성이 아니라 '대가족 단위로 사는 것'의 중요성을 논하는 문제이므로 '가족 인원이 많을 때' 이것이 더 용이하다고 설명을 강조해주면 좋을 것 같아요. According to
the study conducted by a team of Korea University, the research revealed that today's people had a
tendency to talk rarely with others. This was due to the fact that they did not
have a chance to contact with other people person, moreover there was the family with
decreased members. Thus, the research concluded that the extended expended family would
be putting a significant contribution to increasing the opportunity to talk
with others. The factor would be critical for them to relieve their stress by
talking about the event that occurred to be stressed out.
In
addition, people with the enlarged family can take in a lot of knowledge. In
the past, there was less information that was enough for people to handle and
acquire enough. Therefore, talking with their family was not important for people to
obtain the information that they wanted. However, in the present, there is a
wide variety of knowledge that it is difficult to understand and assimilate.
Thus, the role of extended family has intense affection to them. The family
involves the assorted generations from grandfather to young children, which
means that it is unequivocal that today's people with the family shares various
ideas that each person along the age and the sex has. For example, when I was
in high school, my friend, Suzan, was dissimilar from with other classmates. When
she discussed about a certain topic, she tended to suggest thoroughly different
opinion like the an adult. This was because she had the extended family
incorporated on from grandfather to her sister, which provided a lot of
opportunity to share a lot of ideas with her family. 앞부분의 설명이 여러 정보를 다양한 가족구성원으로부터 배울 수 있다는 점을 장점으로 제시했으므로, 사례에서도 친구가 그냥 남들과 다르고 어른같았다고 설명하기보다는 장점을 살리는 형태로 표현해주는 것이 더 좋을 것 같아요. 친구가 더 많은 지식과 지혜를 가지고 있었는데 이게 여러 세대의 가족들과 살아서였다는 점이 드러나는 식으로도 생각해볼 수 있고요.
To
summarize, today's people who are more stressed out are able to assuage their
stress with the help of the extended family, and moreover they can broaden
their perspective by talking with the family. Considering the above two
reasons, it is evident that the enlarged family is attached with great importance in
the modern society.
Comment : 스트레스 해소와 지식전달의 측면에서 대가족의 중요성을 잘 설명해주셨어요. 다양한 표현을 활용해서 내용을 풀어주신 부분도 좋습니다. 주장을 더 잘 강조할 수 있겠다는 생각이 드는 부분들 위주로 코멘트했으니 참고해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4.5/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |