▶ Your Answer : There must be obviously diverse divese opinions regarding the this topic that what university needs to improve for its students. Some individuals may this think that it is beneficial for students sudents to have better access to technology thechnology. However, I strongly believe beileve that improving the facilities pacilities for socializing is far more instrumental for students in order to have a prospective career and to get rid of their stress. >space First of all, the spaces for socializing will help students broaden their social network, which would woul be helpful for their future career. iIt is often saied said that meeting many friends and experts is the best way to get a chance to work in big companies. For example, I was able to learn of new information from my senior while having a tea time. Thanks to the place where I could can meet the person who had a connection with the company where I had wanted to work, i I had a successful job interview. intervirew. If I were had just been stuck in the campus learning the computer skills in the class room, I might not have been able to achieve acheive my goal. Like this example shows, the places such as the cafeteria for students to mingle with others are so essential in univesities. essencial. >space Second, Tthe improvement of the spaces for interacting with others will render the young in school be relaxed. There would be ne no one who has have a doubt on the fact that students nowadays are exposed expossed to extremely stressful environment due to the harsh competition. Therefore the cozy places with their friends in universities will wil ease their anxious mind. To be more specific, there was one scientific article on the internet to say that' having a conversation with friends reduces the stress level.' According to one student who attended the survey, he got over his depression while having talks with his fellows on campus. fallows. Like this, it is necessary to make the place for students to meet meeting someone to discuss their thier personal matters, which makes to make them feel better. Technology has made students to enjoy many things related to their study possible. Nevertheless, interpersonal skills interpersnal skill will bring more positive impacts on people in universities like the examples show above. I personally hope that there are more universities which where are aware of the importance of social skills and create creat spaces for fostering the young's social skills.
Comment : 인간관계 증진과 스트레스 해소 측면에서 제시한 주장들은 모두 좋았습니다. 다만 오탈자, 문법오류가 너무 많아 전달이 약합니다. 정확하게 논리가 표현될 수 있도록 문법과 단어 사용, 오탈자를 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 3/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |