▶ Your Answer :
Because the world is changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past. It is of great worth to discuss whether or not people today are more unhappy and unsatisfied with their lives than people in the past because of the rapidly changed world. While some people might agree with the statement, others might disagree with it. As far as I am concerned, I disagree with the notion. In this essay, I will explore the two main reasons for my standpoint as follows. (Excellent!) First of all, people can be able to broaden their perspectives due to the fast changed in this fast changing world (그런데 이것과 happiness와 어떤 관련이 있나요?). An important reason for this is that people can be readily exposed to the different ideas and thoughts that we have never known before while interacting and socializing with various friends who were from other countries through social network service. Consequently, people can take a quantum leap in intellectual growth (어색한 표현입니다). For example, my sister are is interested in European culture. She have has never been to Europe since she didn’t did not have time to visit the continent there. However, by using social network service such as Facebook, she was able to understand understood and learned about a variety of cultural things as European music, food, and clothing. This is because she could talked with native people and be exposed to European culture in on Facebook. Moreover, the rapidly changed changing world helps people to alleviate their stress and clear people’s mind. This is mainly because that people can easily enjoy a variety of activities ranging from going to travel traveling abroad to playing virtual reality games since the world is changing so fast. This means that these kinds of activities enables a fresh approach to perplexing and stressful problems. A few weeks ago, I had a chance to read an op-ed piece that was related to the topic. It described the result of a survey conducted by Seoul National University. In the survey, most of respondents said that they were exhausted and stressed due to demanding works. However, 75 percent of them replied that they were able to could have a brief moment of relief form from their stressful work through enjoying a traveling and virtual reality games. Had the society not changed so fast, people could would not be able to enjoy those kinds of activities. To sum up, people are positively affected by the quickly changing world in terms of broadening their perspective and reliving stress. For these reasons, I strongly believe that people are more happy and satisfied with their lives since the world is changing so fast.
Score: 14
Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 기초 문법에서의 실수가 많습니다. (ex, she are, she have .. ) - work는 불가산명사입니다. works라고 쓰지 말아주세요. - 본론2 이유는 매우 적절하고 설명도 굉장히 잘 되어있는 것 같습니다. - 그러나 본론1은 사람들의 행복과 어떻게 관련이 있는지 이해하기가 어렵습니다. 주제가 마치 'fast changing society가 사회에 미친 영향은?'인것처럼 느껴져요. 질문은 예전보다 요즘 사람들이 덜 행복한지를 물어보고 있습니다. - 전체적으로 예전의 사람들과 오늘날의 사람들을 계속 비교해주시면 좋겠습니다.
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