▶ Your Answer :
Some people say that using land for human being is better than keeping the environment. However, in my opinion, keeping the environment is more important factor compared to the human.(문맥에 맞는 비교대상이 아니네요.) Due to the fact that If the environment is has not been not preserved, human being will would never even do exist. Also, protecting the environment is the way for human though. eventually.
To begin with, if the environment is deteriorated, it would connect to lead to the human’s extinction as well. Would it be possible for human can do to exist without abundant environment? The answer will be no. The only key to avoid human extinction would be to shield the environment. For example, the people who live in around the Amazon area logged a lot of trees on along the riverside. As a result, the amount of oxygen in the world has plummeted in total, so if it continues like this, human will be wiped out in the future.
On top of that, protecting the environment is also good for the human. To explain, the environment should never come second place. Once the environment is destructed, it cannot be recovered. If we think about the next generation to come, we must do everything we can to protext the environment. For example in South Korea, the tiger has distincted extincted since 18th century because of colonization and hunting by Japanese. The number of tigers in Korea has completely reduced and it was extincted in the end. Finally, whole eco-system in South Korea is deteriorated and this facts were directly reflected in affected human life. (어떻게 영향을 미쳤나요?)
To sum up, the environment should be conserved. Since If it hurts, humans are also affected by those results. Furthermore, you should know that it is merely for human to keep the environment. (무슨 뜻인가요?) In this regard, I believe it is better to save for the environment and wildlife.
[Score] 18-20 [Feedback] - 문법적인 오류나 표현 상에 있어서 어색한 부분이 많아요. 적절한 어휘 사용도 아쉽네요. - 예시와 근거가 부족합니다. 주장에 대한 탄탄한 근거가 있어야해요. 예를 들면, 세 번째 문단에서 환경의 변화 혹은 무너진 생태체계가 인간에게 어떠한 부정적인 영향을 미쳤는지 설명해 주어야 합니다. - 더 중요한 것은, 첫 번째 주장과 두 번째 주장의 차이를 잘 모르겠어요. 결국 환경의 파괴가 인간에게 나쁜 영향을 불러온다는 것이죠? 두 번째 주장을 좀 더 다른 관점에서 보다 자세하게 다루던지, 아니면 새로운 아이디어를 생각해 내시는게 좋을 것 같아요.
수고하셨습니다~ |