▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that the
extended family is as significant today as in the
past.
However, in my opinion, family relationships
became unimportant less important compared
to the past. This is because many people live seperately
separately and move away from their howntown
hometown for their work and education.
To begin with, there are a lot of people living away from their family. They do
not spend time with them, which means that they care about each other less than
in the past. For example, when I was young, I
spent time with my brothers on playing card games.
Also, my family took the family pictures once a every two years. We were very closed close. However, as time goes went by, when I and my brothers became university
students, we moved to other cities. After that, we just keep have been in contact with each other, but we do not do
something together anymore. My parents are the same with us. They merely ask
after me. My family has become less interested in the members compared to the
past.
On top of that, human beings (human beings라고 하면 너무 차갑게 들립니다. 차라리 people을 사용해 주세요) move to big cities, such as Seoul, Busan, or Daegu, for thier their children's education and their jobs. We have
fewer chances to interact with family. According to the poll conducted by the
Education Department, 40% of students expressed a desire to migrate from their
hometown to cities after graduation even though they it will be hard to see their family. It indicates that
they wanted to get better education and jobs. In the past, especially, in
countries, students came back to their hometown to succeed inherit their parents’
job, such as farming or raising livestock after graduation. However, these
days, students want to study more or have a job in urban places.
To sum up, people live respectively from their family and live in other places, not their hometown with them. In this regard, the
extend family has less become important to today's people.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
18 |
Overall
Comment: |
문법 오류들은 위 지적사항들을
참고하세요. 본문 첫 문단 예시가 아쉬워요. Compared to the past = 이 과거는 아버님 세대, 할아버지 세대와 현재 세데를
비교하는 건데, 작성자님은 자신의 경험을 이용해서 예시를 작성하셔서 조금 아쉽습니다. 문법 오류들 때문에도 감점을 드렸어요. |
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