▶ Your Answer :
Some people think that it is more important
for universities students to spend money on improving the food students eat than supporting
social activities of their students. However, I believe that it is more important for universities students to
spend money on supporting social activities for two reasons. This is because it
enables students to relieve their stress and enjoy a better quality of life.
First, spending more money on supporting
social activities allows students to relieve their stress. I thought that it is
more important for student to spend university financial on improving the food
students eat. However, after I read many experts' exports opinions from major newspapers,.
I changed my view. I realized that students could lack chances to have experience
about various activities while they attend to university. Every morning,
students have to patiently sit through traffic to get to school. work. Once they are at
university, they have to endure countless textbooks and continue to read more
even at home. Such exhausting routine repeats itself and eventually wears them down
them. As a way to manage the ensuing stress, they have experience in volunteer activity
for homeless and take care of them. Even if it is only for a short time, this
frees their minds from the intense mental pressure from university. 힘든 일과에 지친 학생들이 자원봉사로 스트레스를 푼다는 것이 왜 대학이 학생활동을 지원해야 하는 이유로 연결되는지 잘 모르겠어요. 학생들이 스트레스를 푸는 방법을 소개해주는 것이 아니라 대학이 학생들의 사회활동들을 지원함으로써 학생들이 이러이러한 이점을 얻을 수 있다고 설명해주는 흐름이 필요해요. 특히 제시하는 이점이 '대학'이라는 특수한 기관의 목적에 부합해야 설득력있는 답안이 될 수 있어요. 대학은 학생들의 스트레스를 풀어주는 기관이 아니기 때문에 단순히 '학생들이 봉사활동을 하면서 스트레스를 푸니까 대학이 봉사활동같은 활동을 지원해서 스트레스를 풀어줘야 한다'라고만 설명하면 논리가 어색해져요. This was
enough to convincing my initial thoughts, and I learned that spending money on
supporting social activities by university enables university students them to relieve their stress.
Second, Sspending money on supporting social
activities by university enables students to enjoy a better quality of life. Interestingly,
a renowned social scientist in South Korea published an article in “The Korean
Herald” last Tuesday which claims that partaking in social activities in
university enables students to strengthen relationship with friends. The
article claims that 62 percent of 2000 Korean people believe attending student council with his friends who have the same ideal and share with their idea for their
university provides meaningful opportunities for students who are willing to
connect with their peers. Essentially, attending student council promotes
activities with friends that encourages them to openly interact and freely
exchange their views and idea with one another. Such intercommunication builds
a platform not only to express one’s own opinion dispositions but also to absorb the
perspective of others, allowing them to become more socially aware and
considerate. I thought of this report because the results of the survey
resonated with my thoughts.
To
sum up, I believe that it is important for universities to spend more money on supporting social
activities by university of students for the following reasons: to relieve their stress and to make them enjoy enjoying a better quality of life. Consequently, the importance of my view
cannot be underestimated for the reasons I have mentioned above.
Comment : 학생들의 스트레스해소와 삶의 질 증진 측면에서 입장을 피력하는 것 자체는 좋지만, '학생이' 투자하는 것이 아니라 '대학이' 투자함으로써 이런 이점을 얻게 된다고 설명해야 하는 문제라는 점에 유의해주세요. 문법오류가 많아 내용 전달이 잘 되지 않는 부분들이 있으니 이 부분도 꼼꼼하게 봐주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 모델에세이를 응용해서 답을 작성하실 때 키워드만 바꾸는 것으로는 off-topic이 될 위험이 있으니 주제에 맞게 내용 흐름을 잘 다듬고 표현을 적재적소에 잘 활용하는 연습을 많이 해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following : - Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications and/or details (일정 수준의 설명과 예시를 활용하여 문제의 요구사항을 해결함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured (문맥이 모호한 부분들이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 어느 정도 드러남) - May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning (문장의 구성 또는 어휘의 선택에서 내용의 명확성이 떨어지거나 의미 전달이 불분명한 부분들이 있음) - May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and vocabulary (답안의 내용은 주제에 부합하지만 제한된 문장구조나 어휘를 사용함) |