▶ Your Answer : Some people think that they want to live with their families as long as they can. However, in my opinion, it is better to experience independence faster. This is because young adults can be exposed to more new experiences and they can make more personal connections with others at a very young age.
To begin with, by living away from their families, they can spend time doing self-development. Since they feel lonely and have time that they spent with their families before, they can have a wide variety of experiences. The experience is one of the most essential factors for success in the world. Imagine that people only have textbook knowledge. Their views will be so narrow. By exposing themselves to try new things anda actually trying them, they cannot only gain diverse experiences but also broaden their horizon of the world. The experiences will help them to find their field that they like, and this can be helpful to choose a better career in the future.
On top of that, the more they achieve independence, the more people they meet. There is a saying; it is who you know, not what you do, that makes you succeed. The meaning of success has completely changed compared to the past. It was merely focusing on own's way and excelling others, but now it is different. Along with your own abilities, it is crucial to be recognized and have people who can lend you a hand when you are in trouble. In this sense, making new relationship is essential. For example, when I entered the university school, I had a hard time to study with the new academic style. I called my parents and friends who I knew before to get advice but they could not understand my difficulties. One day, a friend who I met in the university asked my problem and she payed attention when I told her my problem; she also gave a piece of advice on the issue. Luckily, I profit by the council was able to be out of trouble by talking my issues to her, and I implemented her advice right away. With the words of encouragement, I immediately got back on a track in a matter of days. Come to think of it, that I met her was a blessing to me. --> 이유와 예시 사이에서 "독립을 할 경우 ~ 을 하기 때문에 새로운 친구를 더 많이 만나 이로 인한 benefit이 생길 수 있다" 는 내용을 보충해주세요 (흐름이 매끄럽지 못함) To sum up, taking chance to having various experiences and human relationships into consideration, taking apart from their parents earlier is good way. (결론이 다소 짧습니다.주제에 대한 미래방향 등을 제시하여 내용을 마무리 해 주세요)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
|
ORGANIZATION
|
PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
|
LANGUAGE USE
|
GRAMMAR
|
FAIR
|
FAIR
|
FAIR-LIMITED
|
LIMITED
|
FAIR-LIMITED
|
각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
|
- 문장력에 있어 표현이 한국식이거나 문법오류를 포함한 문장이 일부 보입니다. - 내용의 흐름에 있어 이유 - 이유에 대한 부연/세부 설명 - 예시 - 예시가 왜 이 이유와 연결되는지 증명 순서를 참조하여 구성해주세요. |