▶ Your Answer :
Some people might say that it is better to save the money for the future than to spend money on travel. However, I personally believe that there are several advantages of spending money on trips. First, going to other country can allow one to broaden his or her range of knowledge. Second, traveling can be a valuable opportunity to gain experience by meeting new people. - gain experience --> too broad합니다. 무엇을 위한/무엇을 통한 경험쌓기인지 적어주세요. - 문장 앞에 but, and 를 사용하지 않습니다.
To begin with, you can expand your background knowledge naturally by traveling.
Spending money on trip gives you knowledge about other countries’s history, cooking and culture. To be specific, in the current world, people are required to have a wide variety of knowledge. A person with diverse knowledge is regraded as ‘a person of intellect’, while other who lack knowledge are simply ignored. This is why taking interest in traveling cannot be overlooked. For instance, I will take a personal experience as on example. When I was young, my family traveled to Italy. We went to museum and saw many paintings. By seeing paintings, we could learn about not only their histories and cultures but also international news on that period. (international news는 예시의 흐름과 맞지 않습니다. 그림들을 통해 역사와 문화에 대한 지식을 쌓고 이를 실제로 학교 수업 내 역사 시간에 활용했다 등의 방향으로 작성해주세요) I could expand my range of knowledge naturally by traveling Italy.
On top of that, it is possible to meet a wide range of people while traveling other country. There is no better way to meet new people in a group than spending money on travel. To be specific, being exposed to various circumstances can make new friends who can be helpful to your life. For example, I will talk about my brother’s case. A month ago, my brother had a crisis with his work and he could not do anything about it since there were some parts of the business process with China and Japan company he did not know about. This was serious issue for him and he had to solve the problem immediately. Fortunately, he remembered the managers he had traveled with when he has been in China few years ago. He asked them for help and they immediately gave him advice and the problem was solved. This shows that ~ (여행을 통해 새로운 사람을 만날 수 있고 인생에서 예기치 못한 상황에서 도움을 가져다 주기 때문이다)
To sum up, trip has broader human network and expand your background knowledge.
In this regard, It is better to put it aside for future then to go trip when people has money to spare.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 문장 내 대문자가 잘못 사용된 경우가 있으니 주의해주세요. |