▶ Your Answer : Some people think that living with families is better than independence from families. However, in my opinion, independence in early age is more beneficial for young adults for two reasons. First of all, young adults can have their own time. In addition, they can strengthen their independence.
To begin with, young adults can spend much time privately by living alone. Their privacy is are sometimes invaded by their families when they live with together. However, there is an advantage of living alone that people can do what they really want to do and have much personal time. Thus, young people can have independent place and time. For example, according to the survey conducted by UCLA’s research department, about 80 percent of participants who were young adults living alone reported that they chose to live separately from parents because they needed some private time. They also mentioned that they became to enjoy their lives after gaining gained independence and the personal time.
On top of that, young adults can improve their sense of independence when they live apart from families. 결과적으로 미래에 사회생활을 할 때 도움이 된다는 점이 요지이므로 이 내용을 첫 문장에 주장으로 먼저 제시해주는 게 좋습니다. In the future, when they become 30s and 40s, spending the time spending with families will relatively be reduced and they will start their careers. At the jobs, the sense of independence is really important because young people do not have anyone to rely on as much as on families. As a result, it is helpful for young adults to experience independent lives in advance. For instance, my older sister initiated an independent life when she was 25. She said that it was a valuable experience for her because she could enhance her independence and do her tasks at the job proficiently. Consequently, living alone before having a career is crucial for the young.
To sum up, young people can have their own private time and improve their independence. In this regard, I believe that it is better for young adults to live separately from their parents.
Comment : 주제에 맞게 답안 내용을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 단 본론2에서는 독립을 통해 '자립심'을 얻을 수 있다는 점이니까 키워드가 잘 구분되게 서술해주셔야 할 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남)
- Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |