▶ Your Answer : Some people think that universities do not have to use money on sports. However, in my opinion, it is would be helpful for to students if the university to invests money in sports as much as they do on in libraries for two reasons. First of all, it can improve students’ health. In addition, students can enjoy their school lives and learn how to cooperate with others. To begin with, universities can give many helps help students to improve their for students’ health with investments by investing in sports. It is easy to become obese when students do not exercise and just study at libraries. Obesity is really critical to health, so students have to prevent obesity by enjoying sports. Furthermore, sports can help students study better with enhanced strengths. For example, according to the a survey conducted by UCLA’s research department, about 80 percent of participants who were students reported that their health was improved and that they lost weight after they started to exercise at schools. They also mentioned that their academic performances were enhanced since they became to have better strengths were able to have more energy and strength to study with investments of schools in sports. This proves that investment in sports help to improve students' health and their overall academic performance. On top of that, students can have fun and learn many things with sports at schools. Universities can hold many sports events by spending money on sports. Sports competitions will give a large amount of interests to students who were exhausted with tough study. (어색한 표현입니다) - will help students who are exhausted with their studies to enjoy their time at school more. Moreover, students can learn how to cooperate with peers and strengthen their friendships during sports games exercising. For instance, when I was a student, my university held sports events for students regularly. They were valuable experiences to me because I started to enjoy my school life after participating in these events. Besides Moreover, I developed my friendship and cooperation during practices for games. To sum up, it is helpful for students because they can improve their health and have fun with sports. In this regard, I believe that universities should use money on sports as mush as on libraries.
Score: 17-20 Comments: - 전체적으로 구조가 잘 잡혀있습니다. - 단락을 나눌 때 들여쓰기와 엔터 스페이싱 둘 다 하고 계십니다. 한가지 방법만 선택해주세요. - 문법 실수들이 있습니다. help는 불가산 명사이기 때문에 앞에 many를 쓰지 않습니다. - 어색한 표현들이 있습니다. - 제시하신 이유는 적절하고 설명도 잘 되어있는 것 같아요. 예시도 적절합니다. 설명하실 때 조금 더 깊이 들어가서 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 굉장히 설명이 simple한 느낌이 있어요.
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