▶ Your Answer :
It is debatable whether it is always better to save money you earn rather than spend it right away. This is an intriguing question because opinions concerning this issue can be different relying on personal perspectives. In my opinion, however, I support that people should spend money they earn just right away not putting aside. First of all, people should use their money soon after earning money in order to avoid adding pressure on their already busy schedule. (Unclear point) To be specific, saving money follows the necesities gaining a lot of information such as bank, deposit, and account. It consumes a lot of time and energy, which makes them tired and inefficient. (Awkard sentence) Many people today are busy with their life full of tasks, obligations, projects, and responsibilities. They can successfully multitask and stay focused at the same time only if they keep a balance in their daily lives. (Not related with it) To illustrate this point, Steve Jobs, who is the founder of Apple, made great accomplishments in his lifetime. I read online magazine saying that he learned to manage a fight schedule and prioritize important matters. He did this by spending his salaries and doing what he wanted in order to get stress out. Therefore, this proves that people should effectively manage their life by using their salaries.
In addition, people should spend their money right away because it broadens their perspectives. In other words, the things that you paid for allow to give new and memorable experiences, which as a result allows them to better understnad other cultures, lifestyles and perspectives. As modern society is becoming increasingly globalized, today's world needs people with international viewpoints. For example, when I was a businessman, I used to save money. However, I thought it isn't good idea and made plans to spend money. (Why did you think like this way?) Evertime I earn money, I decided to go aboard. with just one bag. I was successful not only relieving The traveling to other countries always refreshed my minds by reliving to stress but also impoving personal growth. Through this experience, I realized that spending money could make people be in a good conditions.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that people should use their money right away. All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been precisely and efficiently delivered with the reasons mentioned above.
채점기준표 | Grammar | Contents | Example | Coherence | 점수 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 2 | Score | Limited 10-15 | - 첫 번째 thesis는 다소 난해합니다. - open account process가 complicated 하다고 하셨는데, 대부분의 사람들이 not agree 할 것 같아요. saving money 자체가 require perseverance, give up thing that want to do with salaries such as hobby, shopping.. ets 등 으로 포인트를 잡는 것이 더 적합해보입니다.
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