▶ Your Answer :
Along with the technological revolution, we often discover
ourselves in the midst of troubles. A big chunk of population is advocating
that caring for a pet is the best way for a child to learn responsibility while
others consider otherwise. In my opinion, I am in agreement with the former
statement. Within the number of innumerable reasons which induce my assessment,
there are two noticeable phases: pets could pass away die
or escape the cage suddenly and some children would could abuse their pet unintentionally.
There are many causes for this; nevertheless, the primary
argument for this is that, a pet could die suddenly or run away from its owner.
As we know, some pets could be perished die
due to illnesses, or their gut feeling to go back to wildlife (너무 어렵게 쓰시려고 한 것 같아요. 간단하게 run away, 라고 적으시는 게 좋습니다.). For
example, I took after two dogs when I was in
middle school. I had a chance to travel to Je-ju,
one of the big islands in Korea, with my family members and my dogs. While
traveling, I recognized that my dogs got an indigenous disease, but there was
not any were no clinics or hospitals for
animals to cure them. Their sickness was getting worse and then died finally. I
was so shocked and sad that I can could never
see and hug them forever. That was one of the most
terrible memories in my life. At that time, I got almost depression and anxiety
because of the event. It has had an influence on forming my passive and
negative personality. Until now, I spend a lot of time in order to overcome the
trauma. Hence, on the ground that pets could be
dead die and disappeared suddenly, it
is hard for a child to learn responsibility by raising
them. (핵심 주제랑 어긋나는 것 같아요. 주제는 애완동물을 키우면 책임감을 배울 수 있나, 이것인데, 작성자님은 애완동물이 갑자기 죽어버리면 슬프다, 따라서 책임감을 배울 수 없다, 라고 쓰셨어요.)
There is an additional reason which ought to be taken into
account that some children could abuse their pets accidentally. Most children
don't have knowledge about how to rear take care
of their pets without giving them stress
and provide a good atmosphere for. For instance, my younger brother
bought a little snake from a traditional market. He built a cage consisting of bricks for the snake and put it in.
Also, he offered ice-cream for the snake because it is one of his favorite
food. However, the snake didn't eat any food that he gave it and started to attack him. He was so much
disappointed to the snake because he thought that pets have to be dependent on
their owners. He, in the end, killed the snake for a revenge (의도치 않게 애완동물을 다치게 했다, 라는 게 작성자님의 포인트
아니었나요?) of attacking him. It was not
responsibility but maltreatment, though. Thus, animal abusing abuse could easily be happened by children happen on the ground that they have a few know-hows to raise pets.
Subsequent to mulling over this query, I have finally come to
grasp that caring for a pet is not the best way to learn responsibility.
However, everything has the two sides, and in order for the
disadvantages not to prevail, we should exercise caution and moderation. As we
all know, too much of anything is bad for us.
Writing
0-30 Score Scale |
Fair (17-23) |
Score |
18 |
Overall
Comment: |
다양한 표현들과 풍부한 단어
선택으로 글을 잘 치장하셨지만, 조금 과한 느낌도 있었어요. 그리고 주제와 맞지 않는 표현들이 많았습니다. 문법 오류들도 있었구요. 자세한
내용은 위 지적사항들을 참고하세요. |
|
|