▶ Your Answer :
The consensus seems to be that low salary secure job whit low salary is better than high salary but risk high salaried but risky job. However, in my opinion, there should be more emphasis on the latter. This is because money is quite a complex matter in our life.
First, by working ardently and earning money a lot, you can survive in the competitive society. To survive in this world of endless competition, people ought to devote themselves to work. In this case of businessmen, everyone is aware that getting high salary is like a
camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays. One's ability can be clouded by others', so in order to stand out, a person must show his or her one's own strength clearly and find somehow what he or she they can do for surviving in competitive society. For example, one of my friends who did not don't like trying a challenge got a sedentary job. Even though she got low salary but she was just satisfied with that because, instead her job was secure and also nowadays getting a job is not easy. But a few years later she was fired. She is still unemployed. On the other hand, another friend who is so bold and, brave and to enjoy challenging things made his a own company. It’s quite risky but he just tried and now he earns a lot of money. Even though when the world economy is going through a slump, he still doesn't get any damage on his budget. 위험하지만 돈을 많이 버는 직업과 안정적이지만 돈을 덜 받는 직업을 비교해야 하는데 사례에서는 안정성을 보고 골랐는데 안정적이지 않았던 사례와 도전해서 안정적인 삶을 사는 사례를 비교하고 있으므로 흐름에 맞지 않습니다. 또한 돈을 많이 벌어야 경쟁적인 사회에서 잘 살아남을 수 있다는 첫 부분의 주장과 경쟁적인 사회에서 능력을 잘 보여줘야 살아남는다는 설명 내용도 각각 요지가 다릅니다. 문단의 main idea에 맞게 일관된 설명과 사례가 연결되도록 흐름을 다듬어주세요.
Second, risky job can be stressful for both you and your family but high salary can be a driving force. In this materialistic society, money is sometimes regarded as one's power. If you have no money, you will be ignored by people,. In the worst scenario, there will be no place to stand in this society. You cannot deny the fact that many other pleasures of life can be filled by having enough money to spare. For instance, before I told you when one of my friends mentioned above who has his own company, when he started his business for the first time, his family suffered lots of arduous situations. Even his daughter was just a teenager but she had to start a part time job to for earn some her pocket money. In addition, his marriage life got were worse. After a few years, hHis life that had hitherto looked too bad has improved develop a lot. Now his family are resilient as soon as he earns lots of money. 힘들어도 돈이 많으면 버텨진다는 내용은 'risky job'과는 큰 관련이 없어요. 주제에서 묻는 risky job은 secure job과 대조되는 의미로 파악하는 것이 더 적절해 보입니다.
To sum up, taking both of two reasons into consideration, . In this regard, I firmly believe that no matter how you earn money, If if it is
high salary, even it is a risky job, you had better choose the job can buy a happiness for the reasons I mentioned above.
Comment : 각 본론이 명확한 main idea를 가지고 일관된 흐름을 보여줄 수 있도록 설명 부분을 더 다듬어주세요. '안정성은 떨어지지만 돈을 많이 버는 직업'을 선택한 입장에서 돈의 장점을 appeal하는 것은 적절하지만, 돈을 많이 버는 사업을 해서 경제불황에도 안정적이었다거나 처음에 사업을 시작할 때 힘들지만 많이 벌면 극복된다거나 하는 식의 내용은 논점에 맞지 않습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용에 초점을 두고 논리 흐름을 바로잡아주세요. 주술호응이나 품사 관련 문법오류도 많은 편이니 문법사항도 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~!
Independent Writing Rubrics Score 2.5/5 An essay at this level may reveal one or more of the following weaknesses :
- Limited development in response to the topic and task (문제의 요구사항에 정확한 답변을 하지 못한 경우) - Inadequate organization or connection of ideas (연결이나 구성이 부적절한 경우) - Inappropriate or insufficient exemplifications, explanations or details to support or illustrate generalizations in response to the task (설명이나 예시, 세부사항이 필자의 주장을 뒷받침하기에 부족하거나 부적절한 경우) - A noticeably inappropriate choice of words or word forms (부적절한 단어 또는 형태의 사용) - An accumulation of errors in sentence structure and/or usage (두드러지는 문장구조/사용 상의 오류) |