▶ Your Answer :
Some people think
that attractive appearance and fashion is more important than one's ability to
succeed. However, in my opinion, for the success, one's ability is more
significant than fascinating appearance and fashion. First, one's ability makes
foundation of success rather than appearance whatever you do. Second,
appearance and fashion is secondary thing for success.
To begin with, for
success, it is necessary to have remarkable abilities related to work rather
than appearance. To explain, Personality signifies yourself well and sociality
forms human relationship. Also, responsibility makes others think that you are
trustworthy. Appearance might affect to first impression, but it is does not main
factor of your success. For example, last year, I introduced 2 of my friends to
my senior for internship program in management consulting. Jeff was very
handsome and fashionable but a little fastidious and vain. While, Tom did was not
look good but he was a sincere and pleasant person. After a month, I asked my
senior who was better. At first, he liked Jeff more because of his appearance,
but after a few weeks, he got to be friends with Tom because of his
responsibility and sincerity. Then he recommended to his boss to hire Tom. Had
it not been for his abilities, he would not have been able to get that chance.
On top of that,
appearance and fashion do not determine fundamental thing of success. They are
just secondary. Actually, I admit that appearance and fashion can affect crucially
to judge one person. Then, suppose that fashion and appearance is more
significant than abilities to succeed. Did Bill Gates bill gates and Steve Jjobs have
attained that big success because of their appearance and fashion? Plus, is it wrong success that ugly people have achieved success? The answer will be
"NO". Their creativity and business ability made them succeed. For
instance, there was a poll conducted by a group of Ppsychology majors with 200
university students as respondents. The purpose of survey was to understand
what is an important factor of succeed. They chose their own role models and
described their opinions. An overwhelming 80% had responded that their
creativity, personality, sociality made them succeed. Even the case of actor
or models who earn money with their appearance, an overwhelming 70% had responded
that one's ability is more important. So, this survey proved that one's ability
is crucial than appearance and fashion.
To sum up, although
appearance and fashion can affect people's impressions, one's ability is more
significant than that. They can succeed because of their personality,
responsibility and sociality.
Fair/ Good (20-24) 서론 -줄친 부분 불필요하고 어색한 표현입니다.
첫번째 본문 -do 동사는 뒤에 메인 동사가 같이 나와야 자연스러운 표현이 됩니다. ex) but it does not work as a main factor~ 반면, be 동사는 뒤에 동사가 나오지 않는 것이 자연스럽습니다. Tom was not look good (동사 o: look) -->Tom did not look good, OR Tom was not handsome (동사 x). 잘 구분해서 써주세요. -few: 거의 ~않는, 거의 없는, a few: 조금
두번째 본문 -이름은 대문자 -의문형에서 도치, 어순의 문제로 실수가 생길 위험이 큽니다. 지양하는 것이 좋습니다. -이유에 대한 설명이 불충분합니다. 성공한 사람들의 외모가 출중하지 않다는 것 보다는, 다른 factor들이 외모보다 중요한 이유를 더 써주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~ |