▶ Your Answer :
Some people might think that one person can be happier through social life, not his job. However, in my opinion, one’s job can make his life happier or more depressed, and its effect might be stronger than that of social life for following two reasons. To begin with, one’s job is extraordinarily important in his life because people at present age spend most of their time working almost everyday. Therefore, if there were trouble in factors related with one’s job, he might get lots of stress during much times of a day. Suppose that you have a trouble with your coworker. Would it be possible for you to concentrate on your work without any stress or any concern? The answer will be no. Take my personal experience as an example. I now this from my personal experience. Last year, I had trouble with my colleague since we had different ideas about a problem, and it was difficult to meet in the middle. As a result, we could not make solution and I did not talk with him anymore. However, it was necessary for us our to face and sit in the same space everyday. So, I had to should be concerned about him everytime and it was a huge stress for me to meet the person whom I did not like from early morning to night. Moreover, factors which are relevant with jobs have also negative or positive impacts on one’s social life. This is because in materialistic society, money is emerged from job and if someone were short of money, he could not enjoy his social life. To be specific, most aspects of social life are correlated with one’s job. If you were poor or had no job, it might be difficult for you to meet friends. Or the same can be said when you had a job which is done in some illegal field. This is because in these societies, money and job are considered as one’s power and if someone had not good conditions in those, he would be ignored and there would be no space to stand in the society. In this regard, I will take my brother’s case as an example. Last year, my brother could not get a stable job, so he started an internship as a part time job. In this period, he did hardly met meet his friends since he felt shame about himself. He probably had no confidence to meet his friends who have already stable jobs. However, before long, he finally was employed from a quite large company, and after that many things changed. He had meetings with them again, and furthermore, he was enthusiastic to make chances to meet them in order to boast his the new job. To sum up, one’s job has impacts on his overall life including social jobs negatively or positively since many people spend most of their time in work and it can be also a kind of confidence or expression of self-esteem for him. In this regard, I firmly believe that one’s happiness would be more affected by one’s job than by his social life.
Good (24–30) 첫번째 본문 -중간에 줄 친 부분 불완전한 문장입니다. 동사 부재. 바꾼대로 바꾸시거나, 같은 의미이지만 완전한 문장으로 다르게 써주세요. -our은 소유격입니다. -should는 미래에 ~해야만 한다는 의미가 강합니다. 이 문맥에서는 had to 가 더 자연스럽습니다.
두번째 본문 -끝에서 다섯번째 줄에서, did hardly meet은 어색한 표현입니다. 그냥 hardly met으로 써주세요.
전체적으로 내용/이유/설명 괜찮습니다. 둘다 personal experince인 것이 좀 아쉽습니다. 자잘한 문법 실수 연습해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
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