Some people might contend that people should use television in instructive way. In my opinion, however, I firmly support the
idea of televisions are more preferable for
people to use as entertainment. There are two compelling reasons for my
assertion.
First of all, it seems clear that televisions provided a lot of entertainment
to general publics. As we have easily seen, almost every house has televisions
in their home. This demonstrates that television is imperative now than ever before. Additionally, a best way to
gathering family or friends are watching television. Generally speaking,
television has a huge screen which allows a large group of people can to watch together unlike computers or cell phones. To
give you an idea, I would like to illustrate my own experience. When my family
had family reunion in certain holliday such as Thanksgiving day or
Christmas, we gathered in my grandparents’
house. After we ate, every family members sat in front of television and watched holiday TV tv
programs together. In all likelihood, I believe
most of the family spend time like my family.
Second, it is evident that television is not
portable. Portability le is crucial for
people who are studying. People are not just staying
in the house but they also move around such as library or school to take a
lesson or study. Presumably, people who have to carry their laptop prefer light
devices which allows them to carry it around easily. Unlike this laptop,
televisions are not able to be carried y by
single person. A recent poll from the University of Tokyo demonstrates my idea. A researchers polled the university
students about devices they carry it around to the classes. According to the
poll, 78 percents of students use their own laptop, 18 percents
of students use library and the rest of students carry notebooks or did not use
any. As this case reveals, television is not a good way to instruct people.
To sum up, television is a good way to entertain
people and it is not wise for people to use television as an instruction way for
the most part. In this regard, television should be used to entertain people
rather than to instruct.
Fair (17-23)
서론
-교육적인 은 형용사입니다. instruct는 동사입니다. 따라서 instructive/educational 로 바꿔주세요.
-televisions 의 복수형으로 쓰시는 것이 더 자연스럽습니다.
첫번째 본문
-entertain은 동사이므로 전치사 뒤에 오지 않습니다. 명사형인 entertainment로 써주세요.
-imperative now than ever before 처럼 now 를 넣어주셔야 비교하는 것, 여기서는 시간, 이 더 뚜렷하게 대비됩니다.
-allow 가 이미 동사로 쓰였스므로 can을 또 쓰는 것은 오류입니다.
-grandparents' 의 소유격으로 써주세요.
-문맥상 과거이므로 watch-->watched
-TV
-마지막 문장 불필요합니다.
-본문 내용이 즐거움을 주는 역할의 중요성은 강조하였지만 왜 교육적인 측면보다 중요한지에 대한 내용이 없습니다. 왜 entertainment를 주는 티비의 기능이 교육보다 중요한지 추가해주세요.
두번째 본문
-portable은 형용사이므로 주어로 쓰일 수 없습니다. 명사형인 portability로 써주세요.
-be-ing 로 주로 쓰입니다.
-수동태이므로 be carried by 로 써주세요.
-a recent poll 은 단수이므로 demonstrate-->demonstrates 로 써주세요.
-percent 뒤에 s 붙이지 않습니다.
결론
-i모음이므로 앞에 관사 a-->an
-an 뒤에 명사오므로 instruct-->instruction instruct는 동사
내용 부족한 부분 보충해주세요. 티비의 기능으로써 교육과 즐거움을 더 비교해주세요. 왜 즐거움이 더 큰 기능인지 더 자세히 서술해주세요.
문법/표현 오류 많습니다. 개선해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~~