▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, money plays a significant role
in people’s daily lives in many of the places
where they work or play. Some people think that they should spend a lot of
money only for themselves and their family while others do not. Both sides may
have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I
would say that people who donate on a regular basis can feel a greater
sense of achievement. There are several reasons as follows.
To begin with, when people with high income make a great donation, it can contribute to an increase in their overall
happiness. It gives them a chance to devote themselves to their community, and they feel rewarded and fulfilled. Such a fulfilling experience tends to
prevent them from being meaningless. For example, when my sister earned several
hundred thousand dollars a year, she often felt depressed thinking that her
life became an exhausting routine. To survive competitive world, she spent
whole day improving work performance hoping that she could outdo others.
Fortunately, she was able to make her life more meaningful by helping poor
children donating thousand dollars a month. All of poor children felt happier
after getting help from her. By doing this, she was able to see positive
results she contributed to. Many people around her started to respect her,
allowing her to be confident, optimistic, and strong. Because of this, she was
able to build positive attitude and improve her mental health. Without this
experience, she would not have been able to escape her meaningless life.
--> Template을 어느 정도 활용하였으나 주제에 perfectly fit하다고 보기엔 일부 내용에 일관성이 부족합니다. donation을 함으로 얻는 행복이 "개인에게 돈을 쓰는 것 보다 더 나은 점" 을 우선 찾은 뒤 (예: 더 많은 행복을 다른 사람들과 share할 수 있다) 제시한 이유에 맞게 통일된 내용을 정리해주세요.
All things considered, I strongly believe
that people with making donation can feel a great sense of achievement. (본인이 작성한 이유 요약해주세요) All in
all, the importance of helping others cannot be overestimated in the pursuit of
happiness in life.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR-LIMITED
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- Only one body paragraph: 2개 이상 이유 + 부연 설명 적어주세요 - Template 복사 사용 시: Language Use/Grammar에서 Fair 이상 드리지 않습니다. |