▶ Your Answer :
As the number of people who are interested
in happiness is increasing every year in today’s Korean society, it is worth
discussing about whether making others happy is the most efficient method to be
happy. In my opinion, I think that human gets
happiness by making other people happy and by sharing that moment with people. There
are two reasons for this.
One reason is that my personal experience
working as a volunteer in educational instrument (이것은 예시지, Topic sentence가 아니에요). When I was in high school, I
want to be an English teacher but I really stressed out because of university
entrance exam. Because I did not know what is the main purpose of studying every
day and competing with my friend. After then, I cried at night and my English
score began to drop. At that time, my teacher recommended me a volunteer work
as an English teacher. I decided to teach elementary school students for one
year. One of my students who hates English begins began to hav be interested in English
and enjoy it. Also, I could have confidence in English again and I became
happy. As this example shows, I think to be happy is to make others happy.
Another reason is according to one of
research company says that people becomes happy and positive person when they make
other people happy. For example, the a research team had experiment with 100
citizens. The experimenter researcher makes 50 people happy individually by giving what
they want in daily life and makes another people happy by sharing happinessy
moment with other. After then they investigate emitting the amount of endorphin emitted from each of the group.
The result is that the latter group who makes other people happy and shares
that moment emits much more endorphin in their brains. This example clearly
shows why to be happy, making other people happy is the way to become happy.
All things considered, I think the statement
that to make other people happy is more efficient the best way to be happy is right.
[Score] 18-20 [Feedback] - 글의 시작인 Introduction은 아주 잘 써주셨어요~ - 다만, 토플 라이팅 sample들을 많이 보시고 기본적인 글의 구조나 topic sentence를 어떻게 써야하는지 공부하셔야 할 것 같아요~ Topic sentence는 글쓴이가 주장하고자 하는 바를 뒷받침해주는 근거 1 과 2를 명확한 문장으로 표현한 sentence입니다. 예시를 topic sentence로 쓸 순 없어요. - 그리고 기본적인 문법적 오류가 너무 많습니다. 더블체크를 통해 최대한 줄여주세요~
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