▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that they will not feel happy if they have a lot of possessions. However, in my opinion, people can feel comfortable and happy when they have many possessions. There are two reasons; first, possessions, including money, are so important in capitalistic society that we live in. Second, owning many personal belongings helps people relieve stress. First of all, possessing many sources is an important factor at the present. In the materialistic society, money is sometimes regarded as one`s power. If you have no money, you will be considered as a loser and be ignored. There will be no place to stand in this society. For example, when I was in an elementary school, there was a student who lived in my hometown. He was definitely considered as a rich person in my town. His house was the biggest building in my town and his father was a famous executive officer in a big company. His father was an owner of local public transportation companies in my town. As people started to own cars in a cheaper price, people in my town no longer used buses anymore. Eventually, the bus company`s income decreased and the company was bankrupt. Lately, his father had to sell his house and committed suicide due to financial pressure he had. Through his life, possession is an important factor of a person's happiness.
--> 예시의 결론이 "소유물을 가지지 못했기 때문에 불행했다"는 결론이라고 보기 어렵습니다. 부자인 친구가 "더 이상 possession을 가지지 못했고 이로 인해 우울증에 걸려 자살했다" 는 결론이 더욱 주제에 대한 본인의 입장과 부합하는 내용입니다. Second, having many possessions can be less stressful. Having the outlet for stress has meaning in itself since it can help regain energy and find the strength to go on. People nowadays have pressure not only physically but also mentally. It can help people get back on track after having many estates. For example, there was a poll conducted by the board of Korean welfare, 300 adults with respondents. The purpose of the survey was to understand the consensus view about the relationship between estates possessed and happiness in today`s society. The results was so interesting. The results was that the more estates people have, the more they felt happier. People could feel relaxed because they were not nervous about money problems like loans. The survey demonstrates that having many possessions makes people feel comfortable.
--> 조사 내용 내 시제가 뒤죽박죽입니다. 또한 본 관계가 제시되었지만 "항상 많은 물건을 가지고 있는 것이 좋은 것이다"라는 결론에 도달하기에는 내용이 다소 부족합니다. To sum up, possession is such an essential factor at the present. Moreover, people relieve their stress if they have much money. In this regard, I firmly hold that having many possessions makes people feel happy.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- 문법 오류 및 논리 결함이 많이 보이는 글 입니다. |