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Some people think that most important factor to success is
money other matters. Whereas, Oothers
have a different idea of it. They believe that obtaining a lot of money helps
people to success easily. First of all, they can get a chance to challenge.
Secondly, economic proficiency provides a better working condition to deal with
their task efficiently.
To begin with, they could not use given ability without
economic supports. It is essential to pay proper compensation in order to
receive some services in this society. Hence, affluent budgets can
provide opportunities for experiencing more activity, and also make easier to
find their aptitude. For example, according to the research from the Korean
University which is comparing the use of leisure time between the upper and
lower class, results were very intriguing. The upper class had a tendency which
is three times more spent on service and education. With this many experiences,
they could develop their talents than others. On the other hand, the lower classes
were not only limited to spend time leisured but also they usually prefer to
relaxation at home rather than spending money on having
interesting their hobby.
On top of that, by increasing financial status, they can be
provided better living- condition. Whether positively or negatively, their
quality of life has an influence on its success on work, Hence, if they produce
the better environment by spending t
money. It also has an optimistic influence on their success too. For instance,
rich people could liveing in the more
comfortable house, offered high qualified services such as medical,
transportation system, more nutritious foods and
also other products too. Moreover, using advanced technology or skill could
allow people to save their time to attain the goal or solve a certain problem.
However, if they have relatively low budget status, they would make more
numerous efforts for the same achievement. It would reduce their work
productivity.
To sum up, even if they had a special
ability, they could not gain the opportunity to challenge without
money. Also, rich people can have the
better environment to work too. In this regard, I agree with the money is the
most important factor to success than other things.
Fair (17-19)
첫번째 본문
-두번째 줄에서, 띄어쓰기 너무 많이 하셨습니다.
-마지막 문장, 바꾼 것처럼 좀더 구체적으로 써주세요. 또한, interesting은 동사로 쓰이지 않습니다. 따라서 their 빼주세요.
두번째 문장
-by 뒤에 -ing 로 서주세요.
-여러 개 나열할 때 and 로 이어줏에ㅛ.
결론
-주어가 없습니다. rich people can have 로 더 명확하게 써주세요.
글 내용 살짝 off-topic입니다. money is the imporatant factor/methods to success가 아니라, 돈이 성공의 가장 큰 지표인지 묻는 질문입니다. 찬성은 돈이 성공의 가장 큰 결과물이다의 주장을 하셔야하고, 반대는 돈이 아니라 경험,명예,보람,등등 다른 것들이 성공의 가장 큰 결과물이다의 주장을 하셔야합니다. 돈이 많으면 성공한다는 문맥이 다른 대답입니다. 토픽에 대한 답변 정확하게 해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다~~