▶ Your Answer :
Various opinions may exists the argument of
people should leave their mobile phone when they are on vacation.
As far as I am concerned, I am in complete
agreement with this argument.
The two ideas stated below that can be valid
to support my views point.
To begin with, having a phone during vacation
can cause stress for people.
In detail, stress is obviously harmful in
many ways.
It can cause emotional problems, health problems
and poor performances.
Also, in these day, mobile phone is used
not only as a communication tool but also a work tool.
It can interrupt our life and breaking up
the balance.
Thus, in order to improve overall quality of
life, people should maintain a positive mindset instead of focusing on mobile
phone.
Take a Warren Buffett, for instance.
He is a globally recognized CEO and an
investor.
Listed among Times Most 100 influential
people, he mentioned in an interview that importance of work and life balance
shaped him into a successful business man.
Such comment sounds highly convincing since
he is well-known man of success.
I also believe that keeping balance and
stress management are is critical for people to outdo others.
In addition, getting an experience through
activity on vacation enables people to develop creativity e.
Specifically, there are is many ways to make a
new idea and inspire people, which are a key factor to be a successful person.
Thus, it is important to be creative and
have having an innovation idea to stand out in today’s competitive society.
For example, a the survey was conducted by UCLA’s
research department.
The survey asked CEO which applicant is better: the
applicant who has experience by activity and the person who gets knowledge by mobile
phone.
The majority of CEO is responded the former farmer
should have priority.
On the other hand, the percentage of CEO
who is supported the latter was extremely small.
This is because, the applicantion who attains
experience by activity shows better performance and creative idea.
The survey of result indicated that being
a creativeity person is more advantageous in highly competitive society.
Taking all these into consideration, I believe
that people should leave their mobile phone during vacation. It would be
benefit to them.
Fair (17-19)
첫번째 본문 -general 한 사물에는 a를 앞에 붙입니다. -interrupt 와 break가 병렬구조이므로 breaking-->break -이름 앞에 정관사 붙이지 않습니다. -well-known 입니다. -마지막 문장에서, keeping balance and stress management 가 주어인데, and 로 이어진 복수이므로 is-->are 입니다. -핸드폰이 왜 스트레스를 유발하고 핸드폰을 놓고가는 것이 왜 스트레스를 유발하지 않는지 더 자세히 서술해주세요. 처음에 스트레스의 악영향은 서술하실 필요 없습니다. 핸드폰의 사용과 스트레스의 상관 관계에 더 집중하여 서술해주세요. 두번째 본문 -첫번째 문장에서, to 부정사 뒤에 명사 오도록 해주세요. creative-->creativity -many ways 를 지칭하는 be 동사 이므로 is--> are -to be creative and have 에서 be 와 have 가 to에 걸리는 병렬 구조 입니다. to be~+(to) have~ 따라서, 형태 맞춰주세요. -수동태 be p.p. -which is better: ~ 이렇게 바꾸시던가, 글에 바꾼대로 바꿔주세요. 앞에 내용을 부가 설명/나열하는 문장에서 주어+동사: 완전하지 않은 문장 을 써주시면 됩니다. -farmer-->former -마지막 문장에서, 사람을 꾸며주는 창의적인 사람이므로 명사가 아닌 형용사로 써주세요. 또한, 장점이 아니라 더 이득이 있는 이라는 뜻으로, 명사가 아니라 형용사로 써주세요.
결론 -마지막 문장에서, it would be beneficial for them 혹은 글에 바꾼대로 바꿔주세요. benefit이 동사로 쓰였으므로, be 동사와 겹칩니다. 명사로 쓰신 거면 it would be a benefit to them 으로 고쳐주세요. 내용면에서 설명 보충이 더 필요합니다. 예시와 설명을 더 유기적으로 연결하고, 본인의 이유에 대한 설명을 더 구체적으로 해주세요.
문법 연습도 많이 해주세요.
수고하셨습니다~
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