▶ Your Answer : An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether young people do not tend to offer enough time to helping their communities. The answer to the question can vary greatly depending on individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may be out. However, as far as I am concerned, I do not agree with the statement. In this essay, I will explore the two main reasons for my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, today's school requires students to volunteer regularly for a pretty long time. These days, it is mandatory for middle and high school students to put quite a large amount of time for volunteer work on a regular basis. Therefore, they should contribute to helping help their communities whether they want to volunteer or not. According to a survey recently reported by the Ministry of Education in South Korea, most of high school assign students are assigned to work for their local community centers or organizations for the elder or disabled. The average minimum is 4 hours a week. The schools give out this assignment because not only students can feel rewarding rewarded and meaningful for the long hour works, but also some prestigious universities require high school students to get the volunteer experiences.
In addition, young people indirectly spend time on psychological help and donation. Although some current young generations are busy doing their school work, they are often willing to give sufficient psychological and financial support for people around them. For example, one of my peers in school frequently give a phone call for old people who stay alone, becoming a friend of them. This work is regarded very useful because the friend cannot visit everybody due to the poor transportation system. Not only that, but the friend could make donations for household with low income. In this way, many young people are putting time and efforts in assisting people for the communities. 친구 한 명의 사례로 주장을 일반화하기는 어렵기 때문에, 젊은이들이 다양한 방법을 통해서 충분한 시간을 들여 지역사회에 공헌하고 있음을 명시하고 사례를 연결해주면 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, I strongly argue for my standpoint on account of the two reasons aforementioned. Although the verdict may still be out, I believe the two of my rationales are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the majority of people who are favor in my claim.
Comment : 사례를 들어 입장에 맞게 주장을 잘 피력해주셨어요. 이러이러한 부분에서 충분히 잘 기여하고 있다는 점이 드러나는 것이 중요하니까 본론2의 내용도 친구 한 명 사례보다는 보도자료 등으로 다듬는 게 더 좋을 것 같다는 생각도 들어요. 전체적으로 잘 구성해주신 것 같습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |