▶ Your Answer :
There might be some people who believe that
airplanes have made a greater influence on society than cars. However, I
personally disagree with the above idea for the two subsequent reasons. This is
because the importance of the car industry is much greater than that of the
airplane industry, and cars are heavily responsible for the environment.
To begin with, the car industry has been
one of the most important industries in the economy. This is due to the fact
that car industry led to drastic development of related industries. Moreover,
this advancement of related industries in turn extended job market. According
to a recent survey done by SNF, 10% of the entire job market in US is was related
to the auto industry. Moreover, it was determined that the GPA GPA가 의미하는 것이 무엇인가요? 경제와 관련된 내용이니까 GDP(Gross Domestic Product)같은 지표를 사용하면 좋을 것 같아요. highly relies on
the auto industry while airplane industry does not affect the GPA that much. This
shows that the economy highly relies on the car industry.
On top of that, cars are highly responsible
for environmental problems. The reason is that the CO2 from cars pollutes the
air, which affects the environment. other environments. This polluted air in turn triggers acid
rain, which results in erosion of the soil. In a study conducted by SNU, the
number of car users in 2017 has increased 20%p more than the previous year, which led
to 30% increase of CO2 level. However, the number of airplane users has not
increased that much, which means airplane is not highly responsible for CO2 level.
This clearly proves that cars are more responsible for air pollution than
airplanes are. '우리에게 미친 영향'에 대해 답하고 있으므로 자동차가 환경에 더 많은 영향을 끼쳐왔다라는 식의 표현으로 정리하면 더 좋을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, the auto industry has a great
impact on economy, and auto mobiles are highly responsible for the environmental
problems. In this regard, I strongly believe that cars have made a greater
effect on society than airplanes.
Comment : 경제와 환경 분야에서 자동차의 영향이 더 컸다는 내용을 들어 입장을 잘 제시해주신 것 같아요. 사회에 미친 영향에 대한 답변이니까 경제와 환경이 얼마나 사회적으로 중요한 요소인지를 함께 언급하면서 '자동차가 훨씬 큰 영향력을 미쳐왔다'라는 입장을 강조한다면 설득력 면에서 더 좋을 것 같아요. 전체적으로 일관성있게 깔끔한 답안을 잘 구성해주셨습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (완벽하지는 않지만 문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning
(글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임) |