▶ Your Answer :
There are some disagreements over what is
the best extracurricular activity if people have a chance to attend. Some
people believe that writing essay for students’ newspaper or working in the dormitory
discipline committee has applauding effects to people. My view, however, is
that joining a hiking club is the best extracurricular activity. This is
because there is improved body condition. Moreover, people can become sociable.
To
begin with, joining a hiking club would help people's physical condition to be
enhanced gradually. In the modern society, people have less opportunity to
enrich their body condition than in the past. The advanced technology provides
people the convenience, such as shorten time to move or communicating with
others directly through the access to the internet. With the development of
science, their body condition would be compromised gradually. Thus, joining a
hiking club would prevent their physical condition from being undermined by
strengthening their muscle. For example, employees at Samsung that makes mainly
a cell phone have a tendency to participate in a wide range of clubs in their
company, especially most famous hiking club.
This is due to the fact that workers spend a lot of time in their seat
by using their computer. The time is largely responsible for the exacerbated
degree of concentration in their work, which means that it is possible that it
is difficult for them to be acknowledged to others. Thus, they think that
retained or improved physical condition is significant.
In
addition, people can become extroverted. By hiking a mountain, people should
help each other because there is high slanted load. Also, they can talk and
share a wide variety of information that can act as great help since it takes a
long time to climb. The chances cause for their personality to convert being
introverted into being extroverted. Even, they are able to broaden their
perspective by contacting and meeting with a lot of people. According to the
study conducted by a team at Korea University, the research uncovered that a
hiking club allowed people to be gregarious. This was because there were more
opportunities to socialize by overcoming together the difficulty in connection
with climbing a mountain. Therefore, the researcher concluded that joining a
hiking was conducive to people who wanted to be more sociable,
To
summarize, people who want to join a hiking club can improve their body
condition gradually, and moreover it is feasible that their characteristic can
be changed into being more sociable. Considering the above two reasons, it is
evident that joining a hiking club has far more benefits than other options.
There are some disagreements over what is the best extracurricular activity if people have a chance to attend. Some people believe that writing essay for students’ newspaper or working in the dormitory discipline committee has applauding effects to people. My view, however, is that joining a hiking club is the best extracurricular activity. This is because there is improved body condition. Moreover, people can become sociable.
To begin with, joining a hiking club would help people's physical condition to be enhanced gradually. In the modern society, people have less opportunity to enrich their body condition than in the past. The advanced technology provides people the convenience, such as shortened time to move or communicating with others directly through the access to the internet. With the development of science, their body condition would be compromised gradually. Thus, joining a hiking club would prevent their physical condition from being undermined by strengthening their muscle. For example, employees at Samsung that makes mainly a cell phone have a tendency to participate in a wide range of clubs in their company, especially most famous hiking club. This is due to the fact that workers spend a lot of time in their seat by using their computer. The time is largely responsible for the exacerbated degree of concentration in their work, which means that it is possible that it is difficult for them to be acknowledged to others. Thus, they think that retained or improved physical condition is significant.
In addition, people can become extroverted. By hiking a mountain, people should help each other because there is high slanted lroad. Also, they can talk and share a wide variety of information that can act as great help since it takes a long time to climb. The chances cause for their personality to convert being introverted into being extroverted. Even, they are able to broaden their perspective by contacting and meeting with a lot of people. According to the study conducted by a team at Korea University, the research uncovered that a hiking club allowed people to be gregarious. This was because there were more opportunities to socialize by overcoming together the difficulty in connection with climbing a mountain. Therefore, the researcher concluded that joining a hiking was conducive to people who wanted to be more sociable,
To summarize, people who want to join a hiking club can improve their body condition gradually, and moreover it is feasible that their characteristic can be changed into being more sociable. Considering the above two reasons, it is evident that joining a hiking club has far more benefits than other options.
Good (24–30) 첫번째 본문 -shorten-->shortened 짧아진 이라는 수동태 형식으로 쓰려면 과거형으로 써야합니다.
두번째 본문 -load-->road 철자 오류
두 본문 내용 괜찮습니다. 언급된 오류들 연습해주세요. 수고하셨습니다~~
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