▶ Your Answer : An intriguing topic in discussion is whether mobile phones have given people more freedom or not. Although some people say that the device has made people more restricted because of the time they spend on it them, Ii believe that mobile phones have has given people more freedom due to the following two reasons: it has allowed people to have conversation regardless of their location and increased the security.
To begin with, the advent of smart phones allowed people to talk to their friends and families regardless of their location. After the invention of mobile phones, people do not have to go outside out side to meet each other and can talk to their friends and families although their friends and families live in a different country or another city. For example, my father once told me about his experiences when he moved to a different city. Since he wanted to keep in touch with his old friends, he had to send sent letters, which took usually a week. However, after the invention of mobile phones, now he can talk to his friends whenever he wants regardless of their location.
On top of that, mobile phones has increased overall security of life, which led people to people less worry about the security and walking the street until the late at night. By using mobile phones, people can call the police officer at any time when faced encountered with dangerous situation. On the contrary, it was impossible before the invention of mobile phones. When people were encountered with dangerous situation, they had to find the pay phone to call the police. According to a recent study conducted by Institute of Korean Sociopolitical Study(IKSS), it was obvious that the advent of mobile phones had increased security of overall life. The institute researched and compared crime rate in Seoul of 1984 and 1985. The result was intriguing. Right after the invention and popular use of mobile phone in February 1985 in Seoul, the crime rate decreased significantly from 41% to 27%. 이 사례가 주장과 관련해 갖는 의미를 간단히 설명해서 논지를 강화해주세요.
To sum up, I believe that mobile phones have has allowed people to enjoy more freedom because they decreased the crime and allowed to talk with their loved ones friend freely.
Comment : 질문 내용에 맞게 답안을 잘 구성해주셨어요. 안전과 관련된 부분도 흥미로운 주장인 것 같습니다. 논리를 잘 풀어주셨어요. 수량 표현 관련한 문법오류가 많으니 proof-reading 시간을 꼭 확보하셔서 이 부분 유의해서 검토해주세요~ 수고 많으셨습니다~! Independent Writing Rubrics Score 4/5 An essay at this level largely accomplishes all of the following : - Addresses the topic and task well, though some points may not be fully elaborated (문제의 요구사항을 대부분 잘 해결함) - Is generally well organized and well developed, using appropriate and sufficient explanations, exemplifications and/or details (적절하고 충분한 설명과 예시를 사용하며 대체로 글의 구성과 전개방식이 양호함) - Displays unity, progression and coherence, though it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections (중복된 내용이나 관련 없는 내용, 불분명한 연결이 있을 수 있으나 통일성, 연속성, 일관성이 드러남) - Displays facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety and range of vocabulary, though it will probably have occasional noticeable minor errors in structure, word form or use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning (글의 의미를 손상시키지 않는 범위 내에서 사소한 문장구조, 단어 형태 오류를 보일 수 있으나, 전반적으로 어휘・통사적 다양성을 갖춘 유창한 언어 사용을 보임)
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