Undoubtedly, addressing stress plays a significant role in people’s daily lives in many of the places where people work or play. Some people think that having time alone is the most ideal way to relax and relieve stress, while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons to support their views. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that having time alone is not the best way to relax and relieve stress. There are several reasons as follows.
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To begin with, when people spend time with their real friends, it will contribute to an increase in their overall happiness. It gives them more chances to interact with others in today’s cynical society. Being with their loved ones enables to relieve their stress and feel relaxed. For example, when my sister was in high school, she felt depressed with a lot of stress because she spent the whole day studying all academic subjects to survive in a competitive world. Fortunately, she was able to deal with such pressure and stress by spending some time with her friends. They talked their worries each other, eat delicious food, and even went to a famous singer’s concert. By doing this, she was able to let off some steam. Without friends, she would feel depressed continuously.
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In addition, with other people, one can decrease a level of stress by participating multiple activities that cannot be done alone (혼자 시간을 보내는지/다같이 보내는지 가 내용의 핵심이기 때문에 혼자서 할 수 없는 내용을 강조해야 합니다). It will give them a chance to experience something different from what they would do in their usual time. A new experience is likely to help people deviate from much stress. For example, my youngest brother got a lot of stress in middle school due to the relationships of friends. So, he did poorly and even tended to procrastinate. However, he has changed little by little after he met real peers in baseball team club. He could relieve stress by exercising with his friends and promoting their relationships. This implies that some activities that cannot be done alone can be the key to relieving stress.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that spending time alone is not the ideal way to relax and relieve stress. It is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been efficiently and accurately delivered with the reasons that I have mentioned above. (본 문장처럼 스스로 "내가 내 내용을 잘 설명했다" 라는 문장보단 "본문의 내용을 어떻게 support했으며 이 내용에 대한 이유를 ~ 를 작성했다" 는 식의 자신의 argument를 요약하는 것이 더 논리적이고 설득력 있습니다)
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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