▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, sports play a significant role
in people’s lives in many of the places where they play or work. Some people
think that it is beneficial for young people to gain practical work
experience or learn to play a music instrument whereas others think learning to
play a sport benefits for young people. As far as I am concerned, I would say
that doing sport is better than other things. There are two reasons as follows.
--> 주제 문장 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요.
To begin with, participating in team sports
shows outstanding effectiveness in improving social skills. Admittedly, modern
society requires people who surpass others both in specialty and sociability.
To be more specific, it is essential for people to learn how to mingle well
with others and avoid conflicts. Therefore, given the need for collaboration
today, learning how to play sports with others is more vital in building a more
promising future because it gives people perfect opportunities to socialize
with others. To elucidate my view, my sister’s personal experience is good
example. When she was in high school, she often felt depressed thinking that
her life had become an exhausting routine. To survive in the world of endless
competition, she spent whole day studying every academic subjects, hoping that
she could surpass others. However, my parents told her that studying is not all
for success and suggested her to join the soccer club. Fortunately, after participating in
the club, she could learn how to work with others and regain energy.
On top of that, learning to play a sport
can contribute to improving students’ physical health. By enjoying sports like soccer and baseball soccer or
basketball and sweating, they are able to generate more white cells that improve our body immune system. An
increase in the number of white cells is likely to strengthen their immune system. For
example, Tokyo University found huge difference between two groups of young
adults. One group was consisted of those who worked out on a regular basis when
they were high school students. The other group was made up of those who did
not. The researchers got to know that the former was more likely to have higher
resistance to numerous diseases than the latter. Also, most of the first group
had normal weight without serious illnesses. In contrast, many of the second
group tended to be overweight and got a lot of disease such as diabetes and
high blood pressure. This implies that moderate exercise is the key to physical
health.
To sum up, I believe my explanations above
sufficiently prove the advantages of doing sports. ( "나는 전부 잘 설명했습니다" 라고 설명하는 것 보다 본인이 직접 작성한 이유들을 요약하여 나열하고 이 내용이 어떻게 자신의 주장과 직결되는지 설명하는 것이 더욱 설득력 있는 결론입니다) Obviously, the significance
of social skills and people’s health cannot be overemphasized enough.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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- Template 활용 시 language use/grammar = Fair
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