▶ Your Answer :
Various opinions may exist over the
argument that it is better to have a low-salary that is secure than to have a
job with high salary that can be easily lost. As far as I am concerned, I
believe that having a low-salary job that is secure would be better than having
a job with high salary that is unstable. Two convincing reasons stated below
will support my statement. (주제 문장 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요)
To start with, a low-salary job
that is secure is less stressful. Today, many people consider stability prior
to money. Unstable jobs are stressful to people even though they are lucrative
in short term. People who get a great amount of money literally squeeze
themselves to compensate for the high wages they get and not to lose their
jobs. This situation is so stressful that one can even have diseases regarding
with stress. However, a job with low- salary that is secure is less stressful.
The people with this job, thanks to the stability of the job itself, can focus only on
the assignments that they are charge of. Other things such as performance
evaluations for further contracts are not that important to these people. For instance, a recent popularity of becoming a police officer in South Korea explains the idea well. This
is the reason for why public officers are popular in Korea. Even though they
get relatively low wage, the jobs are really stable. Public officers work only
8 hours a day and they have no risk for being fired unless they commit crimes.
Many researches indicate that public officers in South Korea are very content with their jobs,
meaning that their low-salary but stable jobs are quite satisfactory. In addition, the expected amount
of money to receive may be higher for the low-salary job that is secure. It is
a mathematical approach. Let me suppose (가정형, Let, 구어체 문장은 essay에서 사용을 지양해주세요) According to the research done by ~ on ~ people regarding the realistic comparison between the actual income and security of the job, the people who worked for a low salary
but are stable were categorized as the first group and the people who worked for a high salary but
are unstable as the second group. To be specific, The first group saved $10,000 each year for 30 years, however, the second group got $ 20,000 for 10 years since the span of high-risk job was shorter. The total
amount would be $300,000 for the first group and $ 200,000 for the second one,
meaning that the first group would got more money in total although the second
group gets money annually. This numbers are supporting that a low-salary job
that is stable is better than a lucrative job that can be easily lost. --> 본 내용의 예시를 가정형이 아닌 실제 통계처럼 (문단 내 붉은색 교정 참조) 변형하여 작성할 경우 내용이 더욱 구체적으로 제시될 수 있습니다.
To sum
up, two reasons above support my idea that a low-salary but stable job is a
better option than a highly earning but unstable. First reason was that a
stable low-salary job is less stressful than a risky highly waged job. Second
one was that expected amount of money in total for the jobs would be higher for the
low-salary job. Simple calculations were also shown. With these two cogent
explanations, a low-salary job that is stable is a better opportunity.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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GOOD
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FAIR
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FAIR
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FAIR
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GOOD
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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