▶ Your Answer :
[279 WORDS - 분량 미달로 LIMITED]
Although there is no complete consensus that has been reached on the topic, I strongly believe that having time with family is important than the work. This is because spending time with family is most important and family is always on your side. (주제 문장 그대로 사용하지 마시고 paraphrase해 주세요)
To begin with, family is the most important thing in life. Even though we cannot change family with other things, one's own occupation is able to be changed to another one. Moreover, the time of the senior cannot be compared with anything else. (본 문장과 주제와의 연관성이 설명되어 있지 않습니다) For example, in case of my father, he does his work hard as he can. He barely spent time with family. However, when my grandfather died, he regrets that he did not spent much time with family and said that it was already too late that he regrets on this after someone died. Therefore, to not to regret, spending plenty of time with family is more important than the work.
On top of that, family never betrays you. Whatever it happens, although your friends turn their back, your family will not. However, if you do not spend time with your family, distance of you and your family might increase more and more. For instance, let us think about spending most of time on work. (TOEFL에세이에서는 구어체 문장 (Let, 질문, 명령형, Suppose~ 등) 사용을 지양해주세요) If you do not participate on your family celebration, party or conversation, you might be isolated. Although they will be on your side, if you always do your work and do not participate on family gathering, they might not feel intimacy from you. --> If 로 시작되는 내용과 family never betrays you 가 크게 연관되어 보이지 않습니다. family가 항상 신뢰를 주고 곁에 있어주어 안정감을 준다는 내용으로 전환한 뒤 이에 맞는 예시를 제시해주세요.
To sum up, having time with family is imperative than other things, and the family is always on your side. In this regard, I think having time on work is not important than spending time with family.
Writing 0–30 score scale: Limited (1-16) / Fair (17-23) / Good (24–30)
ADDRESSING TOPIC
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ORGANIZATION
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PROGRESSION AND COHERENCE
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LANGUAGE USE
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GRAMMAR
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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LIMITED
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FAIR
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LIMITED
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각 카테고리별 SCORE: LIMITED / FAIR / GOOD
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